Falling

                                               Here  go I again. It has been a long time.

                                     To let myself love even though I fear losing it, losing him   

                  It may be easier to assume he is a bad guy and not love cause then I can't lose.

            But you know what they say better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

                                         

                                     I may feel different next week but for today I love this man.

                                     he has always been here even when he wasn't really here.

                                     And now that he is really here it feels good! 

What do you expect?

I can't find my camera. It's Christmas Eve. I Broke One of Whisper presents..the one that would pull all the others together into a great themed package.Okay breathing.......
I Get all the boys gifts wrapped and out stockings stuffed and all the pretending to be asleep boys start getting up. WIDE AWAKE they take a bath. I stuff all the gifts into a bag and hide the stockings. Uh I already ate the cookies..confessed..told them I would put out more before I went to bed.

Playing this Santa game isn't easy, Tristan said before he went to bed there is alot of things in my head that tell me Santa isn't really real. I am not sure Santa is going to last as a tradition in our house for many more years.He is not why Christmas exists and I try so much harder to make him real than I try making Jesus a bigger part of his own birthday.hmmmm I love the whole Santa thing it's fun or at least it was a long time ago when I thought he was real.I think it may be easier to get girls to believe in fantasy because we want so much for magic , fairytales and perfection. My fairytale seems more and more like reality and truth seems so much easier than trying to pretend.
So I will leave behind perfection, scrambling to make Santa real and pray I celebrate Christmas peacefully because Jesus came to give me peace. Happy Birthday Jesus.

So much and yet so little....

Seems as if many things have happened. Spinning around doing this and that. Losing Loved ones, watching loved ones deteriorate, birthdays, arguments, classes, so many classes, counseling, more counseling,small groups, excitement, epiphany's, lessons learned , lessons forgotten, friends made, ideas lost, truth reveled.

                                                         It goes on and on yet somehow
                                                                 I feel like I am going
                                                                        nowhere  
                                                                       like Alice
                                                in Wonderland at the Mad Hatter's Tea Party.

Offence, I am convicted.

God is so wonderful about showing me where I am.
Sometimes it seems as though my tainted being is overlapping with things to fix.
As I come up for breath I glimpse more that I have to address.
Here in this place of a wounded marriage, I am brought to see that I have
allowed bitterness a comforatable home.

Proverbs 18:19 "A brother offended is harder to win than a stong city,
and contentions are like the bars of a castle" 

The walls around the city of me are layered,
I think I have got through one and there is another. The walls I built, I meant for protection now torment me.
I am suspicious,angry and resentful. I seek protection at the expense of my relationship with Matt.
I can justify it a million times over and those who know of our troubles understand.
But the truth is I am trapped, whether Matt has truely changed or not will not be relevant to me in my condition.He can try and lure me out of the cage with proving himself. One brick at a time he tries to get past the wall I built for him. But he can take a brick and I can find another to replace it.
I look at Paul's second letter to the Church of Corinith. Chapter 2 verse 5-9
If anyone has caused you grief, he has not so much grieved me,as he has grieved all of you to some extent. Not to put it too serverly. The punishment infflicted on him by the majority is sufficient. Now instead you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you therefore to reaffirm your love for him.
 I want to give this to him I want to comfort,reaffirm my love and FORGIVE him. I am trying.......
Agape love, Gods love is not based on performance, it loves regardless of the responce.
Agape love is far from the selfish love I am capable of at this point. I am on guard ready to be dissappointed and hurt. I am waiting for the ball to drop.Where I am at allows little room for mistakes and possibly assumes mistakes that aren't even there. I say possibly because of my untrust, I want to trust and believe in Matt but the truth is I do not. I consciencly made a choice to believe him and I am walking that walk but my guarded heart is not following me.      
I find it hard to cry, I am numb. My love for Matt is cold, I am still seeking to protect myself.
I have been so offended by Matt that I am resisting to give my whole heart. Maybe a piece here and there and only if I can take it back whenever I get scared. I want to be able to reaffirm my love for him, to make him confident of my commitment to him. Need Prayer 
I know this is a process and I know it will take time I am just so thankful that God shows me where I am allowing myself to be trapped so that I can consciencly work toward his freedom for me and God willing with patience on both sides, my marriage will be what God desires for us.Galations 6:9 And let us not grow weary while doing good for in due season we will reap if we do not lose heart."   

Out of the Woods

During the past year and a half my Marriage has been all over the place. Starting with dysfunctional, lonely, hurtful,defensive and almost ending in DIVORCE. The completed papers and me 6 times in the Family Law court attempting to file. All  6 times I never was able to complete, let alone start the process for some reason or another I had to leave before I was able to turn the papers in and talk with anyone. 

All those reasons annoying and energy consuming....really it was hard enough to get there in the first place. It was a tough gut wrenching decision I had made, It really didn't need to be any more complicated. But it was and I never filed for DIVORCE. 

Matt And I Married June 16th 2001 with 1 child, (MINE) Whisper and 1 on the way Tristan. We did not do much planning, we did not talk about our goals for our family and how we were going to raise them. GOD was not the center of our lives he was a possibility. A possibility that was mostly overlooked in the midst of a new marriage,blended family and a new baby.

Our lives changed drastically. 

We did not handle the changes self ~less~ ly as we should. We were selfish and defensive. Whisper was MY child and I was offended anytime there was question of her being less than MY perfect angel. Tristan was NEEDY to say the least he had RSV and our environment had to be spotless and sanitary. Of course I took care of my children's needs and didn't really give a second thought to the needs of a new husband.He was helpful as much as I'd let him but I did not think he was very good at it so I choose to do most of the baby things.

Matt had other things to do, he worked, hung out in the garage, made friends with the neighbors who has similar hobbies. He sunk deeper into his already consuming addiction to pot. Which caused me to lose much respect for him. As you can only imagine...our marriage was a disaster. Well in that disaster we created 2 more precious children, Bodie and Carter. We now have 4 children , a tremendous responsibility. Of course their physical needs are meet and  I love and spend time with all of them. Matt loves and spends time with them too. WE did NOT really spend time with each other. WE did NOT worry about each others needs. I mean we are adults we should be able to deal with our own needs. Things got worse, hurtful things said and done. I did not like him (though I did LOVE him). I would stay in bed till he left for work so I did not have to talk to him. ~I avoided him and tried to make him happy all at the same time.~ He was not happy, neither was I.

Our madness ended 3 months and 18 days after Matt's little brother Mark went to be with Jesus. I tried to be supportive, to love him through his pain. He did not want to be loved, he wanted to die. All his anger surfaced and made it impossible to continue in our already broken relationship.This was a scary time for us. All of us. Everything changed. 

And then God changed everything. And everything is still changing and God is a part of MY life every moment he provides. God is a part of Matt's life on a different level than he grew up with. He is seeking his own spirituality. His own relationship with Jesus. He is willing, he is trying. He is persistant in fighting for his family to be reconciled.  He is not consumed by misery. He laughs and he cries. He doesn't yell or threaten now he talks about his pain.God has been working in our lives. There is much work to be done we are NOT out of the woods but I am praying we are on a path created by GOD that will get us out of there.

             FOR This will all be worth fighting for. All Thanks will be to God for reconciling this family.

Crushed Dreams

 when you pursue your dreams, every second is an encounter with God. Following your dreams opens your heart allowing God to enter and fill you with bliss. ( From the God wants you to know)
I have had dreams, dreams of a family that is in LOVE. 
From the moment I had Whisper, that dream came true. I began my family.
Not traditional,I wasn't married, no picket fence BUT I had someone to love.
She was Someone I would never leave, who needed me and wouldn't leave.
Someone I could show security too. Someone who I would always be there for.

Then Someone who was supposed to share that dream, Stepped on it.
Someone I thought would help me build a home, Broke our home.

I can make things better, I could try. I shelter and love my babies.
BUT I can't change people. I can't make them understand. I can't control every situation.
There is no house, all plans on hold and my babies continue to grow.
I continue to wait for someone to change. HOPE CRUSHED/Renewed than crushed~~~again  
Is it time to start dreaming a new dream?
what would that look like? Not sure I can see it or feel it.
Walking blindly, feeling conflicted, hoping God's directing.
HOPING I CAN HEAR AND FOLLOW.  

...all the while theTreasure is in my hands.

Losing the fight, Missing the goal, still running the race.
I am losing my fight. I wanna give up or in.
Dear God, I just started to pray  my same ole prayer begging for you to take my life,my heart and make it/me seek you with my whole heart.
I FELT annoyed and almost bitter. Possibly directed towards you. For that I am sorry.
Annoyed that I can pray the same prayer over and over and never become a whole hearted seeker.

The Annoyance I felt stopped the prayer and this reflection began: 
BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. Do I need to lose my fight? Is this part of your plan?
I think I am fighting to do the right thing, to become a stronger "christian".
BUT HOW?
Reading and seeking today.....

In Becoming a Woman who listens to God, Sharon Jaynes uses Indiana Jones as an example.
There are three Principle roles to play.
# 1.Dr.Jones who has knowledge of the map and how to use it correctly.
#2.Marian who wears the map and has no idea how to use it
and
#3.the Nazi who has 1/2 of the map burned into his hand and has no idea there is another half he is completely missing.
Comparing the map in Indiana Jones to the Bible in our lives. We have the Map are we using it to our full advantage , pouring over it knowing it and applying it to our lives, so we can find the prize the goal and get it.(Like Dr. Jones) or Are we wearing it around our necks thinking it lovely but have no idea why, or what we are wearing (Like Marian, who wore the map naively) or are we walking around with half of the truth burned into our hands using it inappropriately without seeking the rest of the truth.(Like the Nazi) 
I would say I am possibly like the Nazi with a part of the map burned into my hand except I am aware that there is more. I possess the whole Map but I do not pour over it in desperation seeking the treasure.That is worse than all three principle roles. If the Nazi knew he needed more information he would have sought after it, even killed for it. I wanna be like Dr. Jones who took the map and got the Arc of the covenant that's it /simple.
   
There is a Fable about 3 merchants traveling the desert at night who hear a loud demanding voice. The voice tells them to stop bend down and fill their pockets with pebbles. They do so and are then demanded to continue on till morning and when they stop they will be both happy and sad. They did so. When morning came they anxiously stopped and reached in pockets. They were happy to see the pebbles were not pebbles but jewels and they were sad they had not picked up more when they had the opportunity.
God's word is a wealth of jewels. We can take some and leave some. Am I wasting my opportunity's to take more when I have the chance.AM I going to be disappointed when I get to the finish line and realize all I could of had as compared to the small amount I took with me.
 2 Peter 3:17,18
You therefore,beloved, since you know this beforehand, beware lest you fall from your own steadfastness, being led away by the error of the wicked: but grow in Grace and knowledge of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ. To him be the Glory forever. Amen.

I beg God to tell me what to do, to show the direction I should be running.
HOW DO I LISTEN?
I don't know
I get frustrated when I don't hear him.
But AM I EVEN TRYING to listen? or just grabbing  a jewel here and there. 
The Hebrew word for Bible is Mirka.
Mirka means the CALLING OUT OF GOD.

John 8:31-32
" If you abide in my word than you are truly disciples of mine: and you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free"

What is all this telling me? How am I seeking after God with my whole heart and mind?
I am doing it very slowly , I only have a few Jewels in my pockets.
So I need bigger pockets and I need to devour God's word while I can.Fill my pockets.
Every second I Breathe I need to think on his words , his life and make it my soul purpose to be a seeker.
I need to remain in the word and on my guard so that I cannot be lulled away by the errors of men who would cause me to fall from the security of my position as a child of Christ.
I need to empty my pockets of things that don't matter, things that get in the way so I have more room for the Jewels that are mine for the taking.
God thank you for revealing things in my pockets that aren't necessary. Help me to let them go. Help me to be alert and motivated to read and understand your precious Love Letter. I beg to hear you, when maybe I don't have beg. It very well may be in my hands. I love you.    

Josh Wilson ~ Before the Morning

turning ugly

I just read a few blog posts and I thought yuck!! Then I thought In his Freedom? the name of my blog.
seeking his freedom?
I am lost, resentful, angry and not living in his freedom. Yuck
insides coming out. Composure and fancy words losing sight.

YUCK Who am I?
Who am I going to be, I have to get rid of this broken wall in me!
How?
Pride? unforgiveness? fear? FEAR
I can see it ,but more than that I can feel it. It's not helpful or good.
I am not protecting anyone.(or am I)
I am making myself SICK. ( I was already sick and now I can see it)
I See it as Sin , not beneficial or protective. Prideful and afraid, small trying to be big.
TRYING with my whole heart to do the right thing. Finding my whole heart isn't available,YET.
Please Jesus take this far away from me.
I want to be available without fear and defense. The fear and defense that I have relied on to keep afloat.
Take it. I am over it consuming me.I don't want to be sick.

STUCK so Stuck.

I am away from my husband because I choose to be.
At least he thinks it was my choice. I feel as if he choose it for me.
But still I hold the cards. So to speak.
I don't want to hold the cards because my feelings are NOT consistent.
I Don't want him to hold the cards because I don't trust him to know or understand what is in our best interest.
I don't think he is intentional about his actions that enforce my mistrust.
I miss him to an empty sick pit in my stomach. Especially when it's towards the end of the day.
Especilly when he doesn't call me. When I don't talk to him I ache for him.
When I do talk to him, I don't want to.
What am I scared of. A lot! ALOT. Afraid he will give up. Afraid she will come along. Afraid I will wait to long.
Will I ever feel safe to give my Love back to him.What if I do and he stops trying? What if I do and it goes back to how it was before?  
What needs to happen in me? to make this right? Where are these longing feelings supposed to take me?
Am I Chasing a dream that died. Is there a new dream I am chasing without him knowing, without my knowing?
Is he part of that dream? IS HE? How do I let him know if he is? and How do I let him go if he isn't? How do I let myself know? I want to go everywhere to find out but there is no where to go. God I am going to you , I am putting my words and feeling out in some kind of order trying to make some sense. BUT I CAN'T as hard a I try. God make sense of this for me. Please I can't go anywhere.   

John Waller, "While I'm Waiting"

This song is helpful.
While I am waiting. It gives me encouragement to what I can do.
I can worship, I can serve. I cannot fix anything. I cannot determine the future.
I can wait, I can trust.I can know God is at work. While I am waiting.
Waiting for God's direction and for my place in HIS plan. 

If you can't be nice to your God given friend ...

you can't have ANY friends.
I said that today. and I meant it.
Scary thing to say. Really
Brothers seem to always be in competition.
They don't want to share but are forced. It's only right.
They are away from each other for a few hours and
they don't stop asking when their brother is coming home.
Then when Brother gets home he gets kicked?
I want my boys to love each other and
stick up for each other.That's what brothers are for.
I catch the love and it is the best parts of my day.

But mostly I grasp to keep them safe from one another.
I cannot help but think it is unacceptable
to hurt your brother or talk down to him.

But daily I remind them that they have to build each up.

The classic if you don't have anything nice to say,
don't say anything at all.

This is important to me, but seems so impossible.

I continue to add pictures to this post. Pictures that capture the moments that bless my heart and remind me that it is possible.          

Kutless-Run

Seeking him he speaks to me.
The same thing he keeps speaking to me.
This time in this song.
Why Do I Run?
Run by Kutless

Why am I not on my knees?

I am in a broken Marriage? I am not sure of the future? My future? or our future?
I don't have all the possessions we are supposed to have to be "legit" members of society.
We all SAY that doesn't matter. WE SAY that. We don't live that.
We work and we strive for "our" stuff. And say we are blessed.
WE ARE Blessed but who gets the credit. A man,the man, ourselves or GOD
DO I pray? am I surrendering to God my everything?
Can I honestly say yes to that question?
I cannot even honestly come up with an answer to that.
I DO PRAY. is it intentional NO. Well sometimes but not usually.
I usually beg God to get me through this day.
"MY" day filled with me. "MY" kids, "MY" HOME, "MY" meals, "MY" education, "MY" anxiety,"MY" problems.
Where is "GODS" day. SUNDAY? not usually just the "CHURCH PART"
HE is with me , always and I KNOW THAT. BUT I don't acknowledge that.
I am waiting till I am FINISHED with "MY" stuff. ( which will be never)
So I am letting the best part of "MY" life wait for ME to stop and enjoy him.
To acknowledge him in any of "MY" accomplishments which in the entire scheme of things were never that important.
I am waiting to stop and realize what is important until I finish all these other "important" things.
I can fool myself all day long that I am living for God but when it comes right down to it
what am I doing for God?

I got a tattoo to remind me of who is first in my life. Who I need to live for. A crown of thorns just below my knuckle on my left hand. ABOVE where my wedding ring SHOULD be. To remind me that Matt or any other human man should not come before God. That I should not seek my fulfillment anywhere other then where I can really get it. GOD. Does this tattoo stop me from trying to fix things and figure things out and let God do his work? NO
I grasp to understand and get the things in my life just the way I THINK they should be.And then I am sad,hurt and confused when my hope in these dreams is crushed. When I don't even know if that is the way God thinks they should be. BECAUSE I am NOT on my knees enough to know what HE wants for me.
What he wants for me , what GOD wants for me,
his will for the life that he gave me which I have CLAIMED to give back to him.
I need to give it back to him every morning when I wake up and every second that I breathe. IF I did, If I really did maybe all that I think should be, would be or maybe (probably) it would be so much better than anything that "I think" should be.

I can't go Home...........

I know they say you can't go home again

You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can do
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me start healin'
out here it's like I'm someone else, I thought that maybe I could find myself.
Miranda Lambert, The house that built me.

Heard this song a couple days ago. Bought up some feelings. Been processing . I always feel like I wanna "GO HOME" except there is no home to go too.

And Even if my mom did not move every few months and I stayed in the same home growing up chances are by now it would be gone. And if My Mom stayed in the same Home from the time I was a baby and was still there, that place could not take the place that God is waiting to fill. And I am still trying to fill?
In my Mom's brokenness there was always a roof over my head. Not always with the safest people but I did have a bedroom and a refrigerator and cloths.

There is one house that comes close to feeling like a home it was the Freeman home in Woodcrest. I miss this home. Whisper’s baby room. Casey and Bo, Peanut and Annie the dogs.The pool fun times in that pool! Turtles, birds, goats, a llama and the best of all Grandma and Papa. Miss Papa. Papa loved my precious girl and she loved him too. So many good memories of him and her .I miss them together.
Mostly Good memories I always feel like going by it. But it wasn't the house it was the people. And things life and circumstances change. I miss this part of my life.

Then I have a strong desire to have a home. To buy a house. A place where my kids can always and forever come home to. Whisper is 18 and I have not created that yet. I still have time for the boys and hopefully Whisper will always feel like I am home anywhere I am. (At least a little bit, when the world gets scary)

Then I think it's not going to be a home that heals this brokenness, I am not going to find myself inside four cozy, nicely decorated walls even if I OWN it.
God can help me do that and he can do that if I am homeless.

But I am still searching to fill me. Heal me and figure me out. Why when I know who can?

Is this a forever feeling until, I really go HOME. Not trying to be morbid really just wondering. And I totally want to be alive!!

Jam Packed Action,fulfilling Whims and Missing out.

My Journal entry
Well here I am again,it seems like it has been such a long time sense I have been here. Sense I have been stopped and seeking only you. NOT you to HELP me through a situation but you and me BEING the situation.
AS usual my mind is wandering and feeling the pressure of JPA. That stands for Jam Packed Action a phrase I started using years ago to express what kind of day we are in for. I used to be excited about it and tried to get my kids excited to. Who doesn't love JAM PACKED ACTION? (kids don't love it especially after naptime, pharmaceutical companies do though. )
In my time with you, I feel as if I am stealing time from all the THINGS I "HAVE" to do.BUT realistically I have that backwards.
BACKWARDS without a doubt I am stealing time from us. I am robbing myself and I think I am doing important things. How much more would the things I do be DEEMED as IMPORTANT if I wasn't so backwards.
What is important , my seeking to fulfill my whims of the day? A clean house? Fulfilling other PEOPLE'S expectations of me?
Do I choose you or Jam packed Action?? I desire to choose you, I know to choose you is the right thing and YET it's yet another JPA day.
God you know what I want and you know what I need. Please , Please settle my whims and the things that get in the way of being fulfilled in your presence. I want my whims to benefit your Kingdom and YOUR plans. I am tired of wasting time.I want my JPA to be ALL about YOU not me.

I have crossed the line.........

I am considered one of those "Jesus Freaks". As much as I find humor in the "classic excuses" or comments I am a bit concerned about not being taken seriously. I am hearing things like "I am glad that works for you", "I am really not the religious type", and the worst so far "I am not fake like all of you". This was the worst for a lot of reasons first because it came from someone I care about too much and because it showed me some truth about his heart. I can imagine how peace and happiness in the midst of painful situations can seem fake to some, but that is where the freak in us comes in, we have that through Jesus and we just want to share it.  How could we not?
I know it is all part of the call, I would rather have Jesus in my life and be considered a religious wacko then do any of this without him.BUT.............
When something is so real ,so black and white and available to help others, I can't help but feel disappointed when what I say to them and feel with all my heart is written off as  "My Crutch".
God is with me and amazing. I feel him and I would not be happy with peaceful moments in my life without him.
God is not an unreachable myth, he is our creator who loves us wherever,whenever and however we are.

so in love....

I went to the most amazing place yesterday. I was with a mesmerizing face. Everything really was pure bliss.All my senses engaged and a full heart. At least for this one day in my time where nothing could take the feeling away, there were moments my heart would leap out of chest, moments where I would laugh out loud completely unaware of anyone except the face I was watching.I am so in LOVE with watching the faces of my precious full of life gifts. As I write now the feeling puts a smile on my face and a lump in my throat at the same time.
I took Tristan, Bodie and Carter to the beach yesterday.
Tristan and the body board have connected. He is not afraid of the waves, he goes farther out than I would like but as I watch I see he has it under control, I won't take that away. He catches the waves and comes in sometimes right next to my feet and gives me a thumbs up.His face is lovely as he is watching,waiting and completely excited when he gets a ride in. I could watch for hours and feel as if it were a minute.

Bodie unsure and a little afraid but none the less excited. He runs from the waves,laughing out loud each time.And each time going a little farther out until he lets the waves hit him and he has become brave. Fear overcomes his face for a split second when a wave takes him down, I am right there I feel the fear too.He gets up himself without my assistance and is back for more! 

Carter asks me Mom why is the beach so so big. It goes all the way over there for EVER. and over there.

The water is cold,but the waves are calling so with my hand he tiptoes out.

The water hits his toes, he laughs and runs back. Soon he is over holding my hand and is going further than I like. I watch intensely a bit worried but not to worried.

He is cautious and I am close.The first time he fell,  he told me Mom you shouldn't have brought me here, I don't like the beach.

That was forgotton quickly and he became increasing more precise with his balance.

The ocean was powerful and inviting.With caution the boys all confronted their fear of the marvelous and vast body of water and they all grew exhilaratingly stronger and more confident with themselves and to watch that unfold in their eyes, before my eyes is a fulfillment that I know is a gift God allowing me to experience. I could not be more in Love.And I know he loves me,

God loves me because he gave me these children who are enchanting,whimsical and mine to enjoy. At times I think they are tireless, but tonight their precious heads hit the pillow and they did not make a peep.I was tired to but I did not want to sleep, I felt bliss from this day and did not want that feeling of my real life fantasy to leave. Thank You Jesus for my babies I am so excited for them and for me.

How you get me........ you know what it will Take

Dear God,
 how fitting that I read that previous prayer,  prior to writing you today.
Because I asked you, what more do you want from me, you have my full desire?
What do I need to give up??
You answered, It is Anger and Unforgiveness.
How amazing you work! (how you get what it will take for me to get it)

I am still hurt by Bill and his lack of attempts to parent Whisper.
Regardless of his excuses, I want him to see he blew it.

How can I forgive him? ( I can just imagine his reaction at that)
Please God I pray this verse
Set a watch oh Lord,before my mouth;keep the door of my lips.
I have so many raging feelings coming to the surface,
I am afraid of my lack of composure.
You know more than me, where my feelings are coming from.
NOT ALL from that situation.
I am willing to let go of my Anger towards Bill and forgive him.
I am wiling to do that ,to get to you God. I want to let it GO.
Please help me let it go. Love you

Anger and Unforgiveness has appeared..........

I wrote this to Whisper's Dad the day after her 18th Birthday and I posted it on Facebook. I am sure in my attempts to humiliate him. Of course Anger would be his response and more excuses. More than his reaction, I have been reminded of something so important that I cannot deny it. I have a responsibility to forgive him. Jesus hung for me and all the things I have done. I need to extend that Grace as much as I think I cant I am praying I will.
   
Bill-
Not that parenting ends at 18 but for you since you have already renounced your responsibility,
I wanted to congratulate you at a job well done. Her Daddy made her feel like a princess.
She had need need to seek male attention elsewhere. (Sarcastic) She waited for you to call yesterday knowing all the while YOU WOULDN'T. I gave her a white Chocolate castle, she got excited for a
second until I told her it was from me. SHE THOUGHT IT WAS FROM YOUR MOM"S FAMILY
WHO MAKES CHOCOLATE FOR CHRISTMAS. Her hopes were up.Oh course she didn't let it
get to her too bad she has put up a tough girl wall because she knows you really don't care about her
enough to make any effort.That TOUGH GIRL wall makes her mean sometimes another thing she will
have to deal with in her future relationships. I am so Angry at you ,your excuses about Steve EXCUSES
are so stupid.STUPID.Just an excuse to let your daughter down.Immature it should have never mattered ever. You should have always been there regardless of him, me or anyone else. It's nice to know you have children now that you will give your all too. I hope it helps your redeem yourself for the absolute failure of a Dad you have been to Whisper. AND IF YOU EVER GET THE BRIGHT IDEA THAT YOU WANT TO REDEEM YOURSELF WITH HER you better make it real. Not like all the other times you would come around and then leave again for a stupid inconvenient to much work EXCUSE. You have missed and will continue to miss an amazing person grow up. I would love to say it is all your loss. BUT I can't the pain you have caused her has put a loss in her heart TOO. YOU JERK. Peggy
( I am glad to have her all to myself, but she needed her Dad) HER DAD BLEW IT. PS Don't even try to think Well she hasn't called me. It was not her Job it was yours. Have a great life and don't ever forget you abandoned your 1st child.


Bill's responce--1st of all, i've tried calling her several times, her phone is always disconnected. 2nd, u have sabotaged my relationship w her since the beginning. i could name certain incidences, but it would b 3 pages long. Jessicas been w me since whisper was 6, and has had to deal with ur shit along w me and feels the exact same way. whisper turned out fine despite u, not in any way because of u. im done arguing w u over her. u made it impossible for a relationship w her and u know it. 


That response hurt, really the part where she turned out fine despite of me, because I know I have not been the perfect Mom. The rest I get is his defense and sabatage is his word for not making it as convenient as he needed all the time.I know how hard I tried to get them together and just because I did not always rearrange my plans for his whims.Also Whisper Changed her phone number after Bill's wife asked her to choose them or the Freeman's.

This was from Karen Freeman-Oh gosh, this made me so sad. I wish I was closer to have hugged my niece! I have ALWAYS called her my niece, regardless of technicalities. In addition my mom has ALWAYS considered Whisper her Granddaughter. And I know for a fact Steve LOVES that girl (thru his good and his bad times) My mom and I have often (over the 19 years of knowing you) talked about how wonderful you turned out and how you became such a fabulous mother. You're creative, loving, smart and dedicated. SO much more than many moms can say. Whisper might give you a hard time sometimes, and seem like a typical teenager. But when I'm around her something mature, kind and responsible stands out to me. You've done a lot right for her, and believe me when she's older and out of her teenage years, she's gonna see it all more clearly and appreciate how you were 2 parents to her!!! This is just one of the Freeman's who have loved Whisper from the day she was born.

Kay all I am seriously trying to figure my feelings out. Anger yes, sadness yes. I cannot carry it forever, but I am still processing it. Possibly hopefully I will let it go and forgive him someday. Not today but maybe closer than yesterday.???I am just really, ugh!!, about it Something to do with her 18th Birthday and that his chances are kinda over. I had always hoped something would change. Maybe it is all just coming to the surface right now.
Joey thanks for calling me out helps me think. and I care that this may be inappropriate for facebook but if I wrote it in a notebook which I have in the many letters I wrote begging for this Daddy to be there, I would not be forced to get what is going on in my head as much as I am when I know other people look at it. And possibly my feelings are just a little voracious right now and are blocking better more Christ like sense. Prayers Please.

“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it is better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.” Just heard this so profound. For me now.

I am so proud Thanks
and Thank you all for the encouragement about my parenting.As Bill would say she turned out fine in spite of me.I will give God the Thanks for that.
I did and still do try really Hard though!
This morning on my knees asking God to take this because I don't have time to deal with it nor do I want to ,I realized that I have been stuffing it and avoiding it for years. Anger /unforgiveness hold me back from having the relationship with God that I desire. To get closer to God I will have to get through and get over this. And Forgive Bill.

This is me. This is part of my anger and unforgiveness 

--

To stop striving, Father here I am

Dear Father,
In reading my prayers, I see a consistent pleading for you to take my time! To overpower the distractions.I know I have a part in this, but I NEED you to turn my face towards you.I don't want to waste time, I don't want my days to keep passing outside of oneness with you. as I write my mind turns every which way but up. WHAT MORE ?than my desire? My consistent desire to be in your presence. To be led by your spirit What more do I NEED to Do for YOU TO GRAB a hold of me.

What in me do I need to give up??????

My fear of losing control?

From Silence and Solitude....
God is infinitely patience.He will not push himself into our lives.
He knows the greatest thing he has given us is our freedom.
If we want it habitually,even exclusively, to operate from the level
of our own reason, he will respectfully keep silent.
We can fill ourselves with our own thoughts,ideas and
images, and feelings.
He will not interfere. But if we invite him with attention,
opening our inner spaces with silence, he will speak to our souls,
not in words or concepts,but in a mysterious way that LOVE expresses itself-
BY PRESENCE. By M.Basil Pennington,Centered Living

You are patient and you won't push yourself into my life.

You give me FREEDOM. I don't want MY FREEDOM, I want YOURS. I beg and plead, tell you I don't need my freedom. I don't want it.

BUT THEN when I question what I need to give I am afraid.
I realize then I want some control.
What if it is school I need to give up? My security, future, and hope?
The only thing I think I am doing right.
Who would I be? What would I look like?
To society, doing nothing.
If I gave up school, I am sure I would have something else in my agenda.
(Maybe I could work Saturdays)
or visit friends,clean,watch TV.

My God ...I don't think it matters,what I have to do.
There will always be something else taking my time.
Taking the oneness with you I so desire..
I AM OVER my freedom, I WANT YOURS.
Put in me a stance of listening and receiving.

SHE MATTERS

Matt and I started a communication class Monday nights, which is thru January.
I would like prayer for some
growth in our relationship towards reconciliation.
Also that I would be
able to keep my distance as long as God intends.
And for my precious, angry Whisper.
She is coming up on 18 and not a minute to soon for her.
She HATES that I am even thinking about giving Matt any chances.
Regardless of his change or for the kids.
Understandingly considering the past.
Pray she will be able to forgive and if Matt proves himself.
Pray she will accept that reconciliation could be the best option
for me and her brothers.
Most important to me is that she will be able to include herself in our family.
Without her I will not be able to whole heartedly put my heart into this important relationship.
Also so confused if I am ready for all this.
Praying for mentors to help me through. Thankful for the ones I have
I put in this prayer request at Church in January.
Whisper and I had been fighting.
The holidays were hard, trying to include Matt so the boys could be with their Dad.
She, I know felt invaded. I know it seemed unfair. I know she understood.
She did not complain, until the holidays were over.
I wrote Whisper this letter, I cannot stand things to come between us.
My life has been about her for almost 18 years.

 --Whisper-
I put in this prayer a few days ago . This is my life, it sucks that I have not shown you proper relationships always choosing jerks for myself. And then getting upset with you when you do the same. Funny but not really we are both upset with each other for the same exact thing. Not making good decisions with men.Why are we mad at each other, I guess because we love each other and want a better life. Of course you have you reasons and will do what you want and that is all part of how we learn from our mistakes. And maybe just maybe my opinion will be wrong and I hope that for you. I never ever wanted to see you hurt and now it seems that is a regular thing in your life. I am truly sorry for everything in my relationship with Matt that has hurt you. I know you hurt to see me hurt and then he had to go and be a jerk to you. I hate how things turned out in my marriage with Matt HATE IT, hate that it wasn't how it was when I was dating him..painting with you, holding you, playing with you.....he never seemed impatient with you. And you were all over him it was nice almost perfect. And his amazing family.Then we made wedding plans and I got pregnant ,he got stricker. I got defensive and you got insecure. Me and you always talked like friends more than mother /daughter. I did not notice it.When you wanted something or you were mad you would tell me like it was and at times disrespectful ..he would tell me about it and then I would let him have it. and he would get more and more frustrated.I wish I would have seen what he was talking about ,but I did not you were the one and only in my life you could do NO WRONG.I had a part in the break down of the family me and Matt tried to start by not giving him any authority and being disrespectful and not even acknowledging his concerns.I only felt I had to defend you. BUT it is what it is now and he choose to handle the situation wrong too. That is only part of how things got crazy. Money, the boys, Matt's drug problem. His rudeness. It was the hardest most confusing situation. Pregnancy, marriage , Tristan ,not working all kinda through me for a loop. I was lost in an entirely different world than I was used too. Dependence.The post partum depression was bad with Tristan.The RSV  breathing machine, air purifier and keeping everything sanitary. I was so afraid of Tristan getting sicker. I didn't want to leave him or take him many places.  I functioned but was pretty numb. Matt did most of the shopping and cooking and went to work, I remember never wanting to go to the store. Matt was always hungry getting off work and was expected to make the family dinner and run all the errands. I am in no way making excuses for his mood swings. I am just acknowlegding my contributions to his stress and our problems. I am happy that I have gotten out of that relationship. Both Matt and I were incredibly dysfunctional and destructive together. I am unsure of the future. I DO NOT KNOW if me and Matt will be able to live together functionally.Until I feel totally safe, reassurred that Matt and I can growup and communicate like mature adults and take care of each other, a home and the boys without irrational fighting, I will not live with him. I have gotten this far and I don't plan on wasting it for nothing. There was a point where I never wanted to ever be with him again ever. BUT I cannot deny the changes he has made. I am not ready to let him back in my life full force but I want to see who he is becoming.What if he is becoming the man God intended him to be? What if God is working in his life? What if he is becoming the father his sons need? What if I don't have to go through a divorce? What if I don't have to be lonely for years, raising the boys, in 2 different homes? Daydreaming about someday when I am old and the boys are raised, then I can find some old man romance. What if I don't look at his desire and commitment to make the wrongs, right for our family?  I have to look at him and see who he is becoming before I can truly dismiss the father of 3 of my children and if the jerk comes back than I have wasted my time.If the jerk doesn't come back I could possibly, God willing have the "happily ever after dream" again. I am sorry if you didn't want to hear any of this. I just really needed for you to understand. Though nothing may help you understand. I cannot bear the thought of you leaving but I know you have grow up and I will have to let you go.I don't want you to leave thinking my home is not your home. I will always be here and help you in any way I can. And you will always have a home to come home to where I am, whenever you need to. If maybe you could tell me about yourself ...like write me an email about your real life and we could just start to have more of an adult relationship. I know you will make mistakes and that is okay. I will try hard to stop trying to push you and let you find your way. Please please be my friend sweet baby Girl. Love Mom   

In one of our fights that ended in tears for both of us, Whisper told me she was going to move into her friends house.We have since made up and are doing well together. Working together towards her college and independence.
Feelings between her and Matt haven't changed and that hurts.
Matt and I continue counseling without answers,God leading us through too..............................

"Get out of my Head ,it is not a safe neighborhood" ( borrowed title)

This is the second night this week,
I laid in bed for a while awake and then just got up.
I am tired but cannot sleep.

Of course where did I go first, Facebook
Addiction, Relationship,human contact
wondering what AM I looking for.

Well not much going on, on Facebook
and that was not my intention when I got up
I planned to read.

 I was amazed at the first two pages I read.
So amazed that I did not go on to the third page.
The relevance  of what I read, well it just hit home.
As often times it does when God wants me to see something.

My Aunt Carolyn gave me a book called

Invitation to Solitude and silence, By Ruth Haley Barton
I opened the second chapter and this is what I read:

"To enter into solitude and silence is to take spiritual life seriously"

I have God on my mind, all day everyday,
I AM serious about my spiritual Life I think.....

So God is on my mind? all day? everyday?
HOW?
This is how, I know he is there! I know he is waiting for me!
While I am seeking "something" everywhere else.
Knowing he will be there when I am done,doing what I do.
The kids ,the house, family, class's, bible study's.
Think, organize, cook, listen to Whisper and the boys.
"Socialize"on the Computer
Watching everything around me in constant action.
Trying to figure out, what do I do next.Trying to stay ahead of the game.
So things don't fall apart. ( They fall Apart anyway)




"It is to take seriously our need
to quiet the noise of OUR lives,
to cease the constant striving of human effort,
to pull away from our absorption in human relationships."

Facebook, phone calls, the thinking about the people in our lives, the fixing of strained relationships I am absorbed.
I am constantly looking for human attention or contact. To understand, to figure out, to learn.
To NOT feel ALONE. 

God is with me all day everyday, why am I seeking to feel company.
"for a time in order to give God our undivided attention"
"In the silence we not only withdraw from the demands of life in the company of others
but also allow the noise of our own thoughts,strivings and compulsions
to settle down so we can hear a truer and more reliable source"
Maybe God is waiting to be with me.

That sounds so inviting and CALMING, I want it, truly desire it. BUT I Fight against it??)

"Reliance on our own thoughts and words,even in our praying,
can be one facet of the need to control things, to set the agenda,
or at least to know what the agenda is, EVEN in our relationship with God." 
"In silence we create space for God's activity rather than filling every minute with our own."

"But silence is not always as easy as it sounds"
"Especially for those of us who have been moving so fast for so long."

So This where I get stuck, I breathe deeply and try to avoid thinking about anything.
I want Nothing but GOD.But my mind RACES.
I am going to be on these two pages until I get unstuck.

As I wait life happens......

It seems as I am waiting for God to reveal his plan to me my children are growing up, people are going to shows, concerts, out to eat ,birthday parties and on vacations.I am waiting to have money for vacations and eating out, though not with any panic and not that I don't do some of those things,I do and it is usually even better because it is a blessing I know God has provided for me.
I am waiting to figure out if Matt is going to be okay emotionally and wondering if I am going to be okay, with him if he is okay. Sometimes I feel panic and fear in that waiting. I don't want to miss him. I don't want him to get tired of waiting. I fear he will stop trying. I have to put all my trust in God that he will be with me no matter what happens to my relationship/lack of relationship with my husband and father of my 3 boys.
Worse than me waiting is them waiting. My boys are waiting for Mom and Dad to get it together, so Dad can come home.Life is happening the boys are growing up and I am afraid they will be grown before their parents get it together or don't get it together...together.
At some point waiting has to turn into living. As much as I try, I live, I love, I enjoy friends and learning but I still feel this nagging interruption in what I thought my future was.
Thanking God I get to go to school, which gives me a sense of working towards my future.Thanking God for the work he is doing in me.Thanking God for his financial provision. Thanking God that despite the wait there is a plan that is better than I imagine.Thanking God for the people who put time into my boys lives.Thanking God that in my waiting I am learning that he is in control.
With all that I am, I want to follow and not resist God's lead.Because resisting would prolong the waiting and detours aren't fair especially when your taking the children.