turning ugly

I just read a few blog posts and I thought yuck!! Then I thought In his Freedom? the name of my blog.
seeking his freedom?
I am lost, resentful, angry and not living in his freedom. Yuck
insides coming out. Composure and fancy words losing sight.

YUCK Who am I?
Who am I going to be, I have to get rid of this broken wall in me!
How?
Pride? unforgiveness? fear? FEAR
I can see it ,but more than that I can feel it. It's not helpful or good.
I am not protecting anyone.(or am I)
I am making myself SICK. ( I was already sick and now I can see it)
I See it as Sin , not beneficial or protective. Prideful and afraid, small trying to be big.
TRYING with my whole heart to do the right thing. Finding my whole heart isn't available,YET.
Please Jesus take this far away from me.
I want to be available without fear and defense. The fear and defense that I have relied on to keep afloat.
Take it. I am over it consuming me.I don't want to be sick.