I can't go Home...........

I know they say you can't go home again

You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can do
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me start healin'
out here it's like I'm someone else, I thought that maybe I could find myself.
Miranda Lambert, The house that built me.

Heard this song a couple days ago. Bought up some feelings. Been processing . I always feel like I wanna "GO HOME" except there is no home to go too.

And Even if my mom did not move every few months and I stayed in the same home growing up chances are by now it would be gone. And if My Mom stayed in the same Home from the time I was a baby and was still there, that place could not take the place that God is waiting to fill. And I am still trying to fill?
In my Mom's brokenness there was always a roof over my head. Not always with the safest people but I did have a bedroom and a refrigerator and cloths.

There is one house that comes close to feeling like a home it was the Freeman home in Woodcrest. I miss this home. Whisper’s baby room. Casey and Bo, Peanut and Annie the dogs.The pool fun times in that pool! Turtles, birds, goats, a llama and the best of all Grandma and Papa. Miss Papa. Papa loved my precious girl and she loved him too. So many good memories of him and her .I miss them together.
Mostly Good memories I always feel like going by it. But it wasn't the house it was the people. And things life and circumstances change. I miss this part of my life.

Then I have a strong desire to have a home. To buy a house. A place where my kids can always and forever come home to. Whisper is 18 and I have not created that yet. I still have time for the boys and hopefully Whisper will always feel like I am home anywhere I am. (At least a little bit, when the world gets scary)

Then I think it's not going to be a home that heals this brokenness, I am not going to find myself inside four cozy, nicely decorated walls even if I OWN it.
God can help me do that and he can do that if I am homeless.

But I am still searching to fill me. Heal me and figure me out. Why when I know who can?

Is this a forever feeling until, I really go HOME. Not trying to be morbid really just wondering. And I totally want to be alive!!