At least he thinks it was my choice. I feel as if he choose it for me.
But still I hold the cards. So to speak.
I don't want to hold the cards because my feelings are NOT consistent.
I Don't want him to hold the cards because I don't trust him to know or understand what is in our best interest.
I don't think he is intentional about his actions that enforce my mistrust.
I miss him to an empty sick pit in my stomach. Especially when it's towards the end of the day.
Especilly when he doesn't call me. When I don't talk to him I ache for him.
When I do talk to him, I don't want to.
What am I scared of. A lot! ALOT. Afraid he will give up. Afraid she will come along. Afraid I will wait to long.
Will I ever feel safe to give my Love back to him.What if I do and he stops trying? What if I do and it goes back to how it was before?
What needs to happen in me? to make this right? Where are these longing feelings supposed to take me?
Am I Chasing a dream that died. Is there a new dream I am chasing without him knowing, without my knowing?
Is he part of that dream? IS HE? How do I let him know if he is? and How do I let him go if he isn't? How do I let myself know? I want to go everywhere to find out but there is no where to go. God I am going to you , I am putting my words and feeling out in some kind of order trying to make some sense. BUT I CAN'T as hard a I try. God make sense of this for me. Please I can't go anywhere.
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