SHE MATTERS

Matt and I started a communication class Monday nights, which is thru January.
I would like prayer for some
growth in our relationship towards reconciliation.
Also that I would be
able to keep my distance as long as God intends.
And for my precious, angry Whisper.
She is coming up on 18 and not a minute to soon for her.
She HATES that I am even thinking about giving Matt any chances.
Regardless of his change or for the kids.
Understandingly considering the past.
Pray she will be able to forgive and if Matt proves himself.
Pray she will accept that reconciliation could be the best option
for me and her brothers.
Most important to me is that she will be able to include herself in our family.
Without her I will not be able to whole heartedly put my heart into this important relationship.
Also so confused if I am ready for all this.
Praying for mentors to help me through. Thankful for the ones I have
I put in this prayer request at Church in January.
Whisper and I had been fighting.
The holidays were hard, trying to include Matt so the boys could be with their Dad.
She, I know felt invaded. I know it seemed unfair. I know she understood.
She did not complain, until the holidays were over.
I wrote Whisper this letter, I cannot stand things to come between us.
My life has been about her for almost 18 years.

 --Whisper-
I put in this prayer a few days ago . This is my life, it sucks that I have not shown you proper relationships always choosing jerks for myself. And then getting upset with you when you do the same. Funny but not really we are both upset with each other for the same exact thing. Not making good decisions with men.Why are we mad at each other, I guess because we love each other and want a better life. Of course you have you reasons and will do what you want and that is all part of how we learn from our mistakes. And maybe just maybe my opinion will be wrong and I hope that for you. I never ever wanted to see you hurt and now it seems that is a regular thing in your life. I am truly sorry for everything in my relationship with Matt that has hurt you. I know you hurt to see me hurt and then he had to go and be a jerk to you. I hate how things turned out in my marriage with Matt HATE IT, hate that it wasn't how it was when I was dating him..painting with you, holding you, playing with you.....he never seemed impatient with you. And you were all over him it was nice almost perfect. And his amazing family.Then we made wedding plans and I got pregnant ,he got stricker. I got defensive and you got insecure. Me and you always talked like friends more than mother /daughter. I did not notice it.When you wanted something or you were mad you would tell me like it was and at times disrespectful ..he would tell me about it and then I would let him have it. and he would get more and more frustrated.I wish I would have seen what he was talking about ,but I did not you were the one and only in my life you could do NO WRONG.I had a part in the break down of the family me and Matt tried to start by not giving him any authority and being disrespectful and not even acknowledging his concerns.I only felt I had to defend you. BUT it is what it is now and he choose to handle the situation wrong too. That is only part of how things got crazy. Money, the boys, Matt's drug problem. His rudeness. It was the hardest most confusing situation. Pregnancy, marriage , Tristan ,not working all kinda through me for a loop. I was lost in an entirely different world than I was used too. Dependence.The post partum depression was bad with Tristan.The RSV  breathing machine, air purifier and keeping everything sanitary. I was so afraid of Tristan getting sicker. I didn't want to leave him or take him many places.  I functioned but was pretty numb. Matt did most of the shopping and cooking and went to work, I remember never wanting to go to the store. Matt was always hungry getting off work and was expected to make the family dinner and run all the errands. I am in no way making excuses for his mood swings. I am just acknowlegding my contributions to his stress and our problems. I am happy that I have gotten out of that relationship. Both Matt and I were incredibly dysfunctional and destructive together. I am unsure of the future. I DO NOT KNOW if me and Matt will be able to live together functionally.Until I feel totally safe, reassurred that Matt and I can growup and communicate like mature adults and take care of each other, a home and the boys without irrational fighting, I will not live with him. I have gotten this far and I don't plan on wasting it for nothing. There was a point where I never wanted to ever be with him again ever. BUT I cannot deny the changes he has made. I am not ready to let him back in my life full force but I want to see who he is becoming.What if he is becoming the man God intended him to be? What if God is working in his life? What if he is becoming the father his sons need? What if I don't have to go through a divorce? What if I don't have to be lonely for years, raising the boys, in 2 different homes? Daydreaming about someday when I am old and the boys are raised, then I can find some old man romance. What if I don't look at his desire and commitment to make the wrongs, right for our family?  I have to look at him and see who he is becoming before I can truly dismiss the father of 3 of my children and if the jerk comes back than I have wasted my time.If the jerk doesn't come back I could possibly, God willing have the "happily ever after dream" again. I am sorry if you didn't want to hear any of this. I just really needed for you to understand. Though nothing may help you understand. I cannot bear the thought of you leaving but I know you have grow up and I will have to let you go.I don't want you to leave thinking my home is not your home. I will always be here and help you in any way I can. And you will always have a home to come home to where I am, whenever you need to. If maybe you could tell me about yourself ...like write me an email about your real life and we could just start to have more of an adult relationship. I know you will make mistakes and that is okay. I will try hard to stop trying to push you and let you find your way. Please please be my friend sweet baby Girl. Love Mom   

In one of our fights that ended in tears for both of us, Whisper told me she was going to move into her friends house.We have since made up and are doing well together. Working together towards her college and independence.
Feelings between her and Matt haven't changed and that hurts.
Matt and I continue counseling without answers,God leading us through too..............................