so in love....

I went to the most amazing place yesterday. I was with a mesmerizing face. Everything really was pure bliss.All my senses engaged and a full heart. At least for this one day in my time where nothing could take the feeling away, there were moments my heart would leap out of chest, moments where I would laugh out loud completely unaware of anyone except the face I was watching.I am so in LOVE with watching the faces of my precious full of life gifts. As I write now the feeling puts a smile on my face and a lump in my throat at the same time.
I took Tristan, Bodie and Carter to the beach yesterday.
Tristan and the body board have connected. He is not afraid of the waves, he goes farther out than I would like but as I watch I see he has it under control, I won't take that away. He catches the waves and comes in sometimes right next to my feet and gives me a thumbs up.His face is lovely as he is watching,waiting and completely excited when he gets a ride in. I could watch for hours and feel as if it were a minute.

Bodie unsure and a little afraid but none the less excited. He runs from the waves,laughing out loud each time.And each time going a little farther out until he lets the waves hit him and he has become brave. Fear overcomes his face for a split second when a wave takes him down, I am right there I feel the fear too.He gets up himself without my assistance and is back for more! 

Carter asks me Mom why is the beach so so big. It goes all the way over there for EVER. and over there.

The water is cold,but the waves are calling so with my hand he tiptoes out.

The water hits his toes, he laughs and runs back. Soon he is over holding my hand and is going further than I like. I watch intensely a bit worried but not to worried.

He is cautious and I am close.The first time he fell,  he told me Mom you shouldn't have brought me here, I don't like the beach.

That was forgotton quickly and he became increasing more precise with his balance.

The ocean was powerful and inviting.With caution the boys all confronted their fear of the marvelous and vast body of water and they all grew exhilaratingly stronger and more confident with themselves and to watch that unfold in their eyes, before my eyes is a fulfillment that I know is a gift God allowing me to experience. I could not be more in Love.And I know he loves me,

God loves me because he gave me these children who are enchanting,whimsical and mine to enjoy. At times I think they are tireless, but tonight their precious heads hit the pillow and they did not make a peep.I was tired to but I did not want to sleep, I felt bliss from this day and did not want that feeling of my real life fantasy to leave. Thank You Jesus for my babies I am so excited for them and for me.

How you get me........ you know what it will Take

Dear God,
 how fitting that I read that previous prayer,  prior to writing you today.
Because I asked you, what more do you want from me, you have my full desire?
What do I need to give up??
You answered, It is Anger and Unforgiveness.
How amazing you work! (how you get what it will take for me to get it)

I am still hurt by Bill and his lack of attempts to parent Whisper.
Regardless of his excuses, I want him to see he blew it.

How can I forgive him? ( I can just imagine his reaction at that)
Please God I pray this verse
Set a watch oh Lord,before my mouth;keep the door of my lips.
I have so many raging feelings coming to the surface,
I am afraid of my lack of composure.
You know more than me, where my feelings are coming from.
NOT ALL from that situation.
I am willing to let go of my Anger towards Bill and forgive him.
I am wiling to do that ,to get to you God. I want to let it GO.
Please help me let it go. Love you

Anger and Unforgiveness has appeared..........

I wrote this to Whisper's Dad the day after her 18th Birthday and I posted it on Facebook. I am sure in my attempts to humiliate him. Of course Anger would be his response and more excuses. More than his reaction, I have been reminded of something so important that I cannot deny it. I have a responsibility to forgive him. Jesus hung for me and all the things I have done. I need to extend that Grace as much as I think I cant I am praying I will.
   
Bill-
Not that parenting ends at 18 but for you since you have already renounced your responsibility,
I wanted to congratulate you at a job well done. Her Daddy made her feel like a princess.
She had need need to seek male attention elsewhere. (Sarcastic) She waited for you to call yesterday knowing all the while YOU WOULDN'T. I gave her a white Chocolate castle, she got excited for a
second until I told her it was from me. SHE THOUGHT IT WAS FROM YOUR MOM"S FAMILY
WHO MAKES CHOCOLATE FOR CHRISTMAS. Her hopes were up.Oh course she didn't let it
get to her too bad she has put up a tough girl wall because she knows you really don't care about her
enough to make any effort.That TOUGH GIRL wall makes her mean sometimes another thing she will
have to deal with in her future relationships. I am so Angry at you ,your excuses about Steve EXCUSES
are so stupid.STUPID.Just an excuse to let your daughter down.Immature it should have never mattered ever. You should have always been there regardless of him, me or anyone else. It's nice to know you have children now that you will give your all too. I hope it helps your redeem yourself for the absolute failure of a Dad you have been to Whisper. AND IF YOU EVER GET THE BRIGHT IDEA THAT YOU WANT TO REDEEM YOURSELF WITH HER you better make it real. Not like all the other times you would come around and then leave again for a stupid inconvenient to much work EXCUSE. You have missed and will continue to miss an amazing person grow up. I would love to say it is all your loss. BUT I can't the pain you have caused her has put a loss in her heart TOO. YOU JERK. Peggy
( I am glad to have her all to myself, but she needed her Dad) HER DAD BLEW IT. PS Don't even try to think Well she hasn't called me. It was not her Job it was yours. Have a great life and don't ever forget you abandoned your 1st child.


Bill's responce--1st of all, i've tried calling her several times, her phone is always disconnected. 2nd, u have sabotaged my relationship w her since the beginning. i could name certain incidences, but it would b 3 pages long. Jessicas been w me since whisper was 6, and has had to deal with ur shit along w me and feels the exact same way. whisper turned out fine despite u, not in any way because of u. im done arguing w u over her. u made it impossible for a relationship w her and u know it. 


That response hurt, really the part where she turned out fine despite of me, because I know I have not been the perfect Mom. The rest I get is his defense and sabatage is his word for not making it as convenient as he needed all the time.I know how hard I tried to get them together and just because I did not always rearrange my plans for his whims.Also Whisper Changed her phone number after Bill's wife asked her to choose them or the Freeman's.

This was from Karen Freeman-Oh gosh, this made me so sad. I wish I was closer to have hugged my niece! I have ALWAYS called her my niece, regardless of technicalities. In addition my mom has ALWAYS considered Whisper her Granddaughter. And I know for a fact Steve LOVES that girl (thru his good and his bad times) My mom and I have often (over the 19 years of knowing you) talked about how wonderful you turned out and how you became such a fabulous mother. You're creative, loving, smart and dedicated. SO much more than many moms can say. Whisper might give you a hard time sometimes, and seem like a typical teenager. But when I'm around her something mature, kind and responsible stands out to me. You've done a lot right for her, and believe me when she's older and out of her teenage years, she's gonna see it all more clearly and appreciate how you were 2 parents to her!!! This is just one of the Freeman's who have loved Whisper from the day she was born.

Kay all I am seriously trying to figure my feelings out. Anger yes, sadness yes. I cannot carry it forever, but I am still processing it. Possibly hopefully I will let it go and forgive him someday. Not today but maybe closer than yesterday.???I am just really, ugh!!, about it Something to do with her 18th Birthday and that his chances are kinda over. I had always hoped something would change. Maybe it is all just coming to the surface right now.
Joey thanks for calling me out helps me think. and I care that this may be inappropriate for facebook but if I wrote it in a notebook which I have in the many letters I wrote begging for this Daddy to be there, I would not be forced to get what is going on in my head as much as I am when I know other people look at it. And possibly my feelings are just a little voracious right now and are blocking better more Christ like sense. Prayers Please.

“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it is better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.” Just heard this so profound. For me now.

I am so proud Thanks
and Thank you all for the encouragement about my parenting.As Bill would say she turned out fine in spite of me.I will give God the Thanks for that.
I did and still do try really Hard though!
This morning on my knees asking God to take this because I don't have time to deal with it nor do I want to ,I realized that I have been stuffing it and avoiding it for years. Anger /unforgiveness hold me back from having the relationship with God that I desire. To get closer to God I will have to get through and get over this. And Forgive Bill.

This is me. This is part of my anger and unforgiveness 

--

To stop striving, Father here I am

Dear Father,
In reading my prayers, I see a consistent pleading for you to take my time! To overpower the distractions.I know I have a part in this, but I NEED you to turn my face towards you.I don't want to waste time, I don't want my days to keep passing outside of oneness with you. as I write my mind turns every which way but up. WHAT MORE ?than my desire? My consistent desire to be in your presence. To be led by your spirit What more do I NEED to Do for YOU TO GRAB a hold of me.

What in me do I need to give up??????

My fear of losing control?

From Silence and Solitude....
God is infinitely patience.He will not push himself into our lives.
He knows the greatest thing he has given us is our freedom.
If we want it habitually,even exclusively, to operate from the level
of our own reason, he will respectfully keep silent.
We can fill ourselves with our own thoughts,ideas and
images, and feelings.
He will not interfere. But if we invite him with attention,
opening our inner spaces with silence, he will speak to our souls,
not in words or concepts,but in a mysterious way that LOVE expresses itself-
BY PRESENCE. By M.Basil Pennington,Centered Living

You are patient and you won't push yourself into my life.

You give me FREEDOM. I don't want MY FREEDOM, I want YOURS. I beg and plead, tell you I don't need my freedom. I don't want it.

BUT THEN when I question what I need to give I am afraid.
I realize then I want some control.
What if it is school I need to give up? My security, future, and hope?
The only thing I think I am doing right.
Who would I be? What would I look like?
To society, doing nothing.
If I gave up school, I am sure I would have something else in my agenda.
(Maybe I could work Saturdays)
or visit friends,clean,watch TV.

My God ...I don't think it matters,what I have to do.
There will always be something else taking my time.
Taking the oneness with you I so desire..
I AM OVER my freedom, I WANT YOURS.
Put in me a stance of listening and receiving.

SHE MATTERS

Matt and I started a communication class Monday nights, which is thru January.
I would like prayer for some
growth in our relationship towards reconciliation.
Also that I would be
able to keep my distance as long as God intends.
And for my precious, angry Whisper.
She is coming up on 18 and not a minute to soon for her.
She HATES that I am even thinking about giving Matt any chances.
Regardless of his change or for the kids.
Understandingly considering the past.
Pray she will be able to forgive and if Matt proves himself.
Pray she will accept that reconciliation could be the best option
for me and her brothers.
Most important to me is that she will be able to include herself in our family.
Without her I will not be able to whole heartedly put my heart into this important relationship.
Also so confused if I am ready for all this.
Praying for mentors to help me through. Thankful for the ones I have
I put in this prayer request at Church in January.
Whisper and I had been fighting.
The holidays were hard, trying to include Matt so the boys could be with their Dad.
She, I know felt invaded. I know it seemed unfair. I know she understood.
She did not complain, until the holidays were over.
I wrote Whisper this letter, I cannot stand things to come between us.
My life has been about her for almost 18 years.

 --Whisper-
I put in this prayer a few days ago . This is my life, it sucks that I have not shown you proper relationships always choosing jerks for myself. And then getting upset with you when you do the same. Funny but not really we are both upset with each other for the same exact thing. Not making good decisions with men.Why are we mad at each other, I guess because we love each other and want a better life. Of course you have you reasons and will do what you want and that is all part of how we learn from our mistakes. And maybe just maybe my opinion will be wrong and I hope that for you. I never ever wanted to see you hurt and now it seems that is a regular thing in your life. I am truly sorry for everything in my relationship with Matt that has hurt you. I know you hurt to see me hurt and then he had to go and be a jerk to you. I hate how things turned out in my marriage with Matt HATE IT, hate that it wasn't how it was when I was dating him..painting with you, holding you, playing with you.....he never seemed impatient with you. And you were all over him it was nice almost perfect. And his amazing family.Then we made wedding plans and I got pregnant ,he got stricker. I got defensive and you got insecure. Me and you always talked like friends more than mother /daughter. I did not notice it.When you wanted something or you were mad you would tell me like it was and at times disrespectful ..he would tell me about it and then I would let him have it. and he would get more and more frustrated.I wish I would have seen what he was talking about ,but I did not you were the one and only in my life you could do NO WRONG.I had a part in the break down of the family me and Matt tried to start by not giving him any authority and being disrespectful and not even acknowledging his concerns.I only felt I had to defend you. BUT it is what it is now and he choose to handle the situation wrong too. That is only part of how things got crazy. Money, the boys, Matt's drug problem. His rudeness. It was the hardest most confusing situation. Pregnancy, marriage , Tristan ,not working all kinda through me for a loop. I was lost in an entirely different world than I was used too. Dependence.The post partum depression was bad with Tristan.The RSV  breathing machine, air purifier and keeping everything sanitary. I was so afraid of Tristan getting sicker. I didn't want to leave him or take him many places.  I functioned but was pretty numb. Matt did most of the shopping and cooking and went to work, I remember never wanting to go to the store. Matt was always hungry getting off work and was expected to make the family dinner and run all the errands. I am in no way making excuses for his mood swings. I am just acknowlegding my contributions to his stress and our problems. I am happy that I have gotten out of that relationship. Both Matt and I were incredibly dysfunctional and destructive together. I am unsure of the future. I DO NOT KNOW if me and Matt will be able to live together functionally.Until I feel totally safe, reassurred that Matt and I can growup and communicate like mature adults and take care of each other, a home and the boys without irrational fighting, I will not live with him. I have gotten this far and I don't plan on wasting it for nothing. There was a point where I never wanted to ever be with him again ever. BUT I cannot deny the changes he has made. I am not ready to let him back in my life full force but I want to see who he is becoming.What if he is becoming the man God intended him to be? What if God is working in his life? What if he is becoming the father his sons need? What if I don't have to go through a divorce? What if I don't have to be lonely for years, raising the boys, in 2 different homes? Daydreaming about someday when I am old and the boys are raised, then I can find some old man romance. What if I don't look at his desire and commitment to make the wrongs, right for our family?  I have to look at him and see who he is becoming before I can truly dismiss the father of 3 of my children and if the jerk comes back than I have wasted my time.If the jerk doesn't come back I could possibly, God willing have the "happily ever after dream" again. I am sorry if you didn't want to hear any of this. I just really needed for you to understand. Though nothing may help you understand. I cannot bear the thought of you leaving but I know you have grow up and I will have to let you go.I don't want you to leave thinking my home is not your home. I will always be here and help you in any way I can. And you will always have a home to come home to where I am, whenever you need to. If maybe you could tell me about yourself ...like write me an email about your real life and we could just start to have more of an adult relationship. I know you will make mistakes and that is okay. I will try hard to stop trying to push you and let you find your way. Please please be my friend sweet baby Girl. Love Mom   

In one of our fights that ended in tears for both of us, Whisper told me she was going to move into her friends house.We have since made up and are doing well together. Working together towards her college and independence.
Feelings between her and Matt haven't changed and that hurts.
Matt and I continue counseling without answers,God leading us through too..............................

"Get out of my Head ,it is not a safe neighborhood" ( borrowed title)

This is the second night this week,
I laid in bed for a while awake and then just got up.
I am tired but cannot sleep.

Of course where did I go first, Facebook
Addiction, Relationship,human contact
wondering what AM I looking for.

Well not much going on, on Facebook
and that was not my intention when I got up
I planned to read.

 I was amazed at the first two pages I read.
So amazed that I did not go on to the third page.
The relevance  of what I read, well it just hit home.
As often times it does when God wants me to see something.

My Aunt Carolyn gave me a book called

Invitation to Solitude and silence, By Ruth Haley Barton
I opened the second chapter and this is what I read:

"To enter into solitude and silence is to take spiritual life seriously"

I have God on my mind, all day everyday,
I AM serious about my spiritual Life I think.....

So God is on my mind? all day? everyday?
HOW?
This is how, I know he is there! I know he is waiting for me!
While I am seeking "something" everywhere else.
Knowing he will be there when I am done,doing what I do.
The kids ,the house, family, class's, bible study's.
Think, organize, cook, listen to Whisper and the boys.
"Socialize"on the Computer
Watching everything around me in constant action.
Trying to figure out, what do I do next.Trying to stay ahead of the game.
So things don't fall apart. ( They fall Apart anyway)




"It is to take seriously our need
to quiet the noise of OUR lives,
to cease the constant striving of human effort,
to pull away from our absorption in human relationships."

Facebook, phone calls, the thinking about the people in our lives, the fixing of strained relationships I am absorbed.
I am constantly looking for human attention or contact. To understand, to figure out, to learn.
To NOT feel ALONE. 

God is with me all day everyday, why am I seeking to feel company.
"for a time in order to give God our undivided attention"
"In the silence we not only withdraw from the demands of life in the company of others
but also allow the noise of our own thoughts,strivings and compulsions
to settle down so we can hear a truer and more reliable source"
Maybe God is waiting to be with me.

That sounds so inviting and CALMING, I want it, truly desire it. BUT I Fight against it??)

"Reliance on our own thoughts and words,even in our praying,
can be one facet of the need to control things, to set the agenda,
or at least to know what the agenda is, EVEN in our relationship with God." 
"In silence we create space for God's activity rather than filling every minute with our own."

"But silence is not always as easy as it sounds"
"Especially for those of us who have been moving so fast for so long."

So This where I get stuck, I breathe deeply and try to avoid thinking about anything.
I want Nothing but GOD.But my mind RACES.
I am going to be on these two pages until I get unstuck.

As I wait life happens......

It seems as I am waiting for God to reveal his plan to me my children are growing up, people are going to shows, concerts, out to eat ,birthday parties and on vacations.I am waiting to have money for vacations and eating out, though not with any panic and not that I don't do some of those things,I do and it is usually even better because it is a blessing I know God has provided for me.
I am waiting to figure out if Matt is going to be okay emotionally and wondering if I am going to be okay, with him if he is okay. Sometimes I feel panic and fear in that waiting. I don't want to miss him. I don't want him to get tired of waiting. I fear he will stop trying. I have to put all my trust in God that he will be with me no matter what happens to my relationship/lack of relationship with my husband and father of my 3 boys.
Worse than me waiting is them waiting. My boys are waiting for Mom and Dad to get it together, so Dad can come home.Life is happening the boys are growing up and I am afraid they will be grown before their parents get it together or don't get it together...together.
At some point waiting has to turn into living. As much as I try, I live, I love, I enjoy friends and learning but I still feel this nagging interruption in what I thought my future was.
Thanking God I get to go to school, which gives me a sense of working towards my future.Thanking God for the work he is doing in me.Thanking God for his financial provision. Thanking God that despite the wait there is a plan that is better than I imagine.Thanking God for the people who put time into my boys lives.Thanking God that in my waiting I am learning that he is in control.
With all that I am, I want to follow and not resist God's lead.Because resisting would prolong the waiting and detours aren't fair especially when your taking the children.