Crushed Dreams

 when you pursue your dreams, every second is an encounter with God. Following your dreams opens your heart allowing God to enter and fill you with bliss. ( From the God wants you to know)
I have had dreams, dreams of a family that is in LOVE. 
From the moment I had Whisper, that dream came true. I began my family.
Not traditional,I wasn't married, no picket fence BUT I had someone to love.
She was Someone I would never leave, who needed me and wouldn't leave.
Someone I could show security too. Someone who I would always be there for.

Then Someone who was supposed to share that dream, Stepped on it.
Someone I thought would help me build a home, Broke our home.

I can make things better, I could try. I shelter and love my babies.
BUT I can't change people. I can't make them understand. I can't control every situation.
There is no house, all plans on hold and my babies continue to grow.
I continue to wait for someone to change. HOPE CRUSHED/Renewed than crushed~~~again  
Is it time to start dreaming a new dream?
what would that look like? Not sure I can see it or feel it.
Walking blindly, feeling conflicted, hoping God's directing.
HOPING I CAN HEAR AND FOLLOW.  

...all the while theTreasure is in my hands.

Losing the fight, Missing the goal, still running the race.
I am losing my fight. I wanna give up or in.
Dear God, I just started to pray  my same ole prayer begging for you to take my life,my heart and make it/me seek you with my whole heart.
I FELT annoyed and almost bitter. Possibly directed towards you. For that I am sorry.
Annoyed that I can pray the same prayer over and over and never become a whole hearted seeker.

The Annoyance I felt stopped the prayer and this reflection began: 
BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. Do I need to lose my fight? Is this part of your plan?
I think I am fighting to do the right thing, to become a stronger "christian".
BUT HOW?
Reading and seeking today.....

In Becoming a Woman who listens to God, Sharon Jaynes uses Indiana Jones as an example.
There are three Principle roles to play.
# 1.Dr.Jones who has knowledge of the map and how to use it correctly.
#2.Marian who wears the map and has no idea how to use it
and
#3.the Nazi who has 1/2 of the map burned into his hand and has no idea there is another half he is completely missing.
Comparing the map in Indiana Jones to the Bible in our lives. We have the Map are we using it to our full advantage , pouring over it knowing it and applying it to our lives, so we can find the prize the goal and get it.(Like Dr. Jones) or Are we wearing it around our necks thinking it lovely but have no idea why, or what we are wearing (Like Marian, who wore the map naively) or are we walking around with half of the truth burned into our hands using it inappropriately without seeking the rest of the truth.(Like the Nazi) 
I would say I am possibly like the Nazi with a part of the map burned into my hand except I am aware that there is more. I possess the whole Map but I do not pour over it in desperation seeking the treasure.That is worse than all three principle roles. If the Nazi knew he needed more information he would have sought after it, even killed for it. I wanna be like Dr. Jones who took the map and got the Arc of the covenant that's it /simple.
   
There is a Fable about 3 merchants traveling the desert at night who hear a loud demanding voice. The voice tells them to stop bend down and fill their pockets with pebbles. They do so and are then demanded to continue on till morning and when they stop they will be both happy and sad. They did so. When morning came they anxiously stopped and reached in pockets. They were happy to see the pebbles were not pebbles but jewels and they were sad they had not picked up more when they had the opportunity.
God's word is a wealth of jewels. We can take some and leave some. Am I wasting my opportunity's to take more when I have the chance.AM I going to be disappointed when I get to the finish line and realize all I could of had as compared to the small amount I took with me.
 2 Peter 3:17,18
You therefore,beloved, since you know this beforehand, beware lest you fall from your own steadfastness, being led away by the error of the wicked: but grow in Grace and knowledge of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ. To him be the Glory forever. Amen.

I beg God to tell me what to do, to show the direction I should be running.
HOW DO I LISTEN?
I don't know
I get frustrated when I don't hear him.
But AM I EVEN TRYING to listen? or just grabbing  a jewel here and there. 
The Hebrew word for Bible is Mirka.
Mirka means the CALLING OUT OF GOD.

John 8:31-32
" If you abide in my word than you are truly disciples of mine: and you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free"

What is all this telling me? How am I seeking after God with my whole heart and mind?
I am doing it very slowly , I only have a few Jewels in my pockets.
So I need bigger pockets and I need to devour God's word while I can.Fill my pockets.
Every second I Breathe I need to think on his words , his life and make it my soul purpose to be a seeker.
I need to remain in the word and on my guard so that I cannot be lulled away by the errors of men who would cause me to fall from the security of my position as a child of Christ.
I need to empty my pockets of things that don't matter, things that get in the way so I have more room for the Jewels that are mine for the taking.
God thank you for revealing things in my pockets that aren't necessary. Help me to let them go. Help me to be alert and motivated to read and understand your precious Love Letter. I beg to hear you, when maybe I don't have beg. It very well may be in my hands. I love you.    

Josh Wilson ~ Before the Morning

turning ugly

I just read a few blog posts and I thought yuck!! Then I thought In his Freedom? the name of my blog.
seeking his freedom?
I am lost, resentful, angry and not living in his freedom. Yuck
insides coming out. Composure and fancy words losing sight.

YUCK Who am I?
Who am I going to be, I have to get rid of this broken wall in me!
How?
Pride? unforgiveness? fear? FEAR
I can see it ,but more than that I can feel it. It's not helpful or good.
I am not protecting anyone.(or am I)
I am making myself SICK. ( I was already sick and now I can see it)
I See it as Sin , not beneficial or protective. Prideful and afraid, small trying to be big.
TRYING with my whole heart to do the right thing. Finding my whole heart isn't available,YET.
Please Jesus take this far away from me.
I want to be available without fear and defense. The fear and defense that I have relied on to keep afloat.
Take it. I am over it consuming me.I don't want to be sick.

STUCK so Stuck.

I am away from my husband because I choose to be.
At least he thinks it was my choice. I feel as if he choose it for me.
But still I hold the cards. So to speak.
I don't want to hold the cards because my feelings are NOT consistent.
I Don't want him to hold the cards because I don't trust him to know or understand what is in our best interest.
I don't think he is intentional about his actions that enforce my mistrust.
I miss him to an empty sick pit in my stomach. Especially when it's towards the end of the day.
Especilly when he doesn't call me. When I don't talk to him I ache for him.
When I do talk to him, I don't want to.
What am I scared of. A lot! ALOT. Afraid he will give up. Afraid she will come along. Afraid I will wait to long.
Will I ever feel safe to give my Love back to him.What if I do and he stops trying? What if I do and it goes back to how it was before?  
What needs to happen in me? to make this right? Where are these longing feelings supposed to take me?
Am I Chasing a dream that died. Is there a new dream I am chasing without him knowing, without my knowing?
Is he part of that dream? IS HE? How do I let him know if he is? and How do I let him go if he isn't? How do I let myself know? I want to go everywhere to find out but there is no where to go. God I am going to you , I am putting my words and feeling out in some kind of order trying to make some sense. BUT I CAN'T as hard a I try. God make sense of this for me. Please I can't go anywhere.   

John Waller, "While I'm Waiting"

This song is helpful.
While I am waiting. It gives me encouragement to what I can do.
I can worship, I can serve. I cannot fix anything. I cannot determine the future.
I can wait, I can trust.I can know God is at work. While I am waiting.
Waiting for God's direction and for my place in HIS plan.