I wish Dad was here

We have done many things and tried to make up for the loss of our Family. We are still family but it is not the same. And that is GOOD very good but That is also BAD.

 

Life have not gone as planned ... not at all. But where divorce is concerned things have really not gone as planned or in any normal fashion as far as divorce can be considered normal. This has been the most confusing heart wrenching chapter of my life.Complete Madness.Sadness. Confusion. dramatically and unpredictably unsettling and painful.
I am writing this in hopes of being able to process and get past this giant that is halting my life. In hopes that I can let these dreams go and allow for new ones. New ones that don't include the fear and pain and shame and guilt.  
I am not ok , I am stuck, stuck still wanting to gain approval and understanding from Matt. I don't want his blame.
Someone mentioned a divorce party when it is finally final. That to me sounds horrible. This has been the most painful thing I have been through there is nothing about it to celebrate. I just hope and pray I get through it without losing all my friends and family to my miserable sadness.
 That picture is a painting of Carter at Angeles Crest Christian Camp, He said I wish Dad was here. I was there and brothers. Nothing will be the same. Family is different now.   

2012

In 2012 I filed for divorce. December 28th to be exact.4 days ago. I thought I was ok , strong, had this under control. I am not strong, I feel weak and depleted. Just as the papers were stamped the energy, adrenaline everything that I think was driving me left my body. I feel crushed. I feel like throwing up. I feel angry. I feel misunderstood and not loved.

The choice to end this was not an easy choice. It took many years of ups and downs. AND then it took some really bad downs and some force to get me to make this choice.A choice that I am sure is never whole hearted for anyone.I don't miss him too much (because I am staying crazy busy) but I miss him a lot. I miss my fantasy, our dreams and plans, I miss him with the boys, I miss his cooking,I miss watching him work in the yard,I miss sex. The good times. Although I am hurting and feel like my heart is in my throat it is freeing and relieving. Its quiet and more peaceful. I am able to establish rules and peaceful surroundings without major disruption. (kind of, as much as possible with 3 boys ,2 dogs , friends,work and holidays)

I have a lot to work through and 3 boys to worry about. I worry if they understand enough to know it is for the better.I worry about boys growing in a home without a father.I worry about being enough. I worry about them learning to respect me or being able to teach them that respect.

All this is traumatic and dramatic ,But God is blessing me through theses times. He is showing me he is not going to let me go.God will give the boys mentors, he will provide well beyond their basic and  immediate needs.God will get me through this. I pray that I will follow him down his path he is laying and not get distracted with staying busy and distracted. I pray I can stop avoiding and walk through my scary range of emotions and come out on the other side a better person.   

Dear God let me live through 2013 in your will and only your will. Do not allow me to give into fear and anxiety, show me healthy outlets. God let me in your strength show my boys what they need to know, let me be the Mom they need. and I don't need to ask because I know you will provide the resources that we need.Thank you for your constant provision. I love you and need you God to get me through this year.   

                  I will always love him and wish things could have different Goodbye husband. 

He is yours...love him

Help me remember, he is yours.

To not get in your way.

To trust your plan.

And let mine go.

Thank you for loving us both

enough to change our circumstances

Let me honor you with allowing 

you to have Matt back.

Give me strength

to stay out of your way.

I am not what he needs

it is you and you alone.

Who's plans are these anyway!!!

Yes I am in recovery AGAIN. Not drugs or alcohol though that may be easier if not at least more specific. I go knowing I am not okay. That I need ? well I don't know what I need BUT I guess God does.
Lats week in my homework I read a paragraph that made me write WOAH next to it.  A little to close to home for me. The paragraph is from a book called The Christan Co-dependance Recovery workbook on Page 34 I read this................................................
It is important to understand that the female role is at it's core function one of receiving ,
just as the male role's primary function is that of giving. 

While the husband carries the weight of the responsibility, she is in a much more vulnerable position. 

She must receive what the man in her life gives her in order to function properly in her role. That doesn't mean she isn't a healthy and whole individual, it simply means that her own responsibilities are dependent on whether or not he fulfills his. 

Many times women want financial Independence and the other freedoms in a marriage for this 
reason-they'd rather not have to be dependent on a husband.

However logical it might sound, ( and women who have been hurt by a man may have a very justifiable reason) it will never lead to the type of marriage God intended.

 That's because her role is different than his. If they are both in the 
same roles, the female role may get neglected and the male role might get diminished.   

I  was hired for a job and I have been waiting on my start date. 
I received a call the same day I read that paragraph that there was something in my background check I failed to mention. Shoplifting in 1995. Looks like I am not getting this job... oh opps for my self righteous attitude towards my husband that I will be working.  Humbled. 

Sidenote
Confession I did shoplift and paid fines for outfit that I did not get to keep, spent a day in jail. MISTAKE.

DEFENCE

When you love someone and care about what they say and do. You let your defenses down and when you do... ......what they say and do hurt you even more.
So why is it that defense is a bad thing?

I am angry....inside

What is it that makes me so mad? I am not just simply annoyed I am disgusted and ANGRY.
Is it a combination of things from the past that I am projecting.
I have denied this and held this at bay forever....until now. I am MEAN. I feel justified. True to some extent I can justify my anger. I have GOOD reasons to be angry but God says in your anger do not sin.
How I SIN : I say mean things and I mean them. I escape or distract myself from my feelings. I stuff my feelings.
WHY is that sin?
 Because it keeps me from stopping and seeking God's direction.
To stop is to feel the extent of my feelings and I am not sure what or how to deal with them. I don't know how I can express them and I can't place words to them.
To get to the roots feels impossible because the roots have been covered with layers of unattended to anger, pain,bad choices and disappointment.

OKAY my point is I can't be mean and I can't keep sinning... so I have to deal with this anger or pain so I can be who God is trying to lead me to be. GOD get me out of our way.

Just Wondering

If Marriage is God's way of showing me I am just as ugly as the ugliest, it's worked!
There has never been another person who has made me so mad, I say really mean things.
There has never been another person who can make me want to run away. FAST AND FAR
To be so trapped in something that you can't leave , you have to figure out how to get along and get through the days.
I have never felt so much bitterness and resentment. So WHAT if it is someone else's fault..It really doesn't matter CAUSE I AM THE One living with it and THE one who needs TO GET RID OF IT.
Okay so God now that I know I am a bent up ball of ANGER...what do you want me to do. If I CAN"T leave than WHAT do you WANT ME TO DO!
Show me the steps, give me the time, let me have the patience. LET ME CRY! I don't want to be angry even if it seems easier than feeling the hurt I don't think it is. I NEED to feel something other than MAD, Let me be sad... and cry. That is what I really feel the tears just don't come. I stop them ..I am scared.

              Let Me

                                                                   You Got this God.

I have been struggling in my marriage for years. MANY years.

The challenges are insane sometimes and I think I cannot do this anymore.

I plan escapes or ways to alleviate the way I am feeling. Unloved and lonely.

Then I think too much or just enough to stop myself from doing some things I WILL regret..

Around 5 o'clock I am expecting to see him, sometimes dreading it but always expecting it.

If I think about him not coming home, its hard to stand. I think I can live without him but when I slow down I

miss him. I take it for granted that he is here because he makes me so mad and hurts my feelings.

I expect all the good things he does they go unnoticed and the bad things just stand out for days and I dwell

on them.I hold back my love all the time and I get frustrated because I have no way to express my love

because I am to busy thinking I shouldn't .

I HAVE lots of LOVE. I need to give it to someone.I choose him 11 years ago this coming Wednesday. I
decided I need to choose him again. I have to love someone,I can't hold back my love, I need to let go.I am going to enjoy the good and pray God takes me through the bad. Let God hold my heart when Matt isn't capable. AND TRY MY hardest not to hold it against Matt when my needs aren't met the way I think they should be.I am also going to commit to praying for my marriage.Differently than all the other times I say I am going to pray.I will not focus on Matt to change, to be nice or to  overcome his strongholds, I will focus on how I can LOVE him in spite of the things that make me want to run away.I have to give this marriage what any marriage deserves.The other half. I am putting myself back in it.(God hold my heart, I am letting it go) I am living it, I gotta make it good.(God,Please let it work this time.)    

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