I wish Dad was here

We have done many things and tried to make up for the loss of our Family. We are still family but it is not the same. And that is GOOD very good but That is also BAD.

 

Life have not gone as planned ... not at all. But where divorce is concerned things have really not gone as planned or in any normal fashion as far as divorce can be considered normal. This has been the most confusing heart wrenching chapter of my life.Complete Madness.Sadness. Confusion. dramatically and unpredictably unsettling and painful.
I am writing this in hopes of being able to process and get past this giant that is halting my life. In hopes that I can let these dreams go and allow for new ones. New ones that don't include the fear and pain and shame and guilt.  
I am not ok , I am stuck, stuck still wanting to gain approval and understanding from Matt. I don't want his blame.
Someone mentioned a divorce party when it is finally final. That to me sounds horrible. This has been the most painful thing I have been through there is nothing about it to celebrate. I just hope and pray I get through it without losing all my friends and family to my miserable sadness.
 That picture is a painting of Carter at Angeles Crest Christian Camp, He said I wish Dad was here. I was there and brothers. Nothing will be the same. Family is different now.