I have been struggling in my marriage for years. MANY years.

The challenges are insane sometimes and I think I cannot do this anymore.

I plan escapes or ways to alleviate the way I am feeling. Unloved and lonely.

Then I think too much or just enough to stop myself from doing some things I WILL regret..

Around 5 o'clock I am expecting to see him, sometimes dreading it but always expecting it.

If I think about him not coming home, its hard to stand. I think I can live without him but when I slow down I

miss him. I take it for granted that he is here because he makes me so mad and hurts my feelings.

I expect all the good things he does they go unnoticed and the bad things just stand out for days and I dwell

on them.I hold back my love all the time and I get frustrated because I have no way to express my love

because I am to busy thinking I shouldn't .

I HAVE lots of LOVE. I need to give it to someone.I choose him 11 years ago this coming Wednesday. I
decided I need to choose him again. I have to love someone,I can't hold back my love, I need to let go.I am going to enjoy the good and pray God takes me through the bad. Let God hold my heart when Matt isn't capable. AND TRY MY hardest not to hold it against Matt when my needs aren't met the way I think they should be.I am also going to commit to praying for my marriage.Differently than all the other times I say I am going to pray.I will not focus on Matt to change, to be nice or to  overcome his strongholds, I will focus on how I can LOVE him in spite of the things that make me want to run away.I have to give this marriage what any marriage deserves.The other half. I am putting myself back in it.(God hold my heart, I am letting it go) I am living it, I gotta make it good.(God,Please let it work this time.)