He is yours...love him

Help me remember, he is yours.

To not get in your way.

To trust your plan.

And let mine go.

Thank you for loving us both

enough to change our circumstances

Let me honor you with allowing 

you to have Matt back.

Give me strength

to stay out of your way.

I am not what he needs

it is you and you alone.

Who's plans are these anyway!!!

Yes I am in recovery AGAIN. Not drugs or alcohol though that may be easier if not at least more specific. I go knowing I am not okay. That I need ? well I don't know what I need BUT I guess God does.
Lats week in my homework I read a paragraph that made me write WOAH next to it.  A little to close to home for me. The paragraph is from a book called The Christan Co-dependance Recovery workbook on Page 34 I read this................................................
It is important to understand that the female role is at it's core function one of receiving ,
just as the male role's primary function is that of giving. 

While the husband carries the weight of the responsibility, she is in a much more vulnerable position. 

She must receive what the man in her life gives her in order to function properly in her role. That doesn't mean she isn't a healthy and whole individual, it simply means that her own responsibilities are dependent on whether or not he fulfills his. 

Many times women want financial Independence and the other freedoms in a marriage for this 
reason-they'd rather not have to be dependent on a husband.

However logical it might sound, ( and women who have been hurt by a man may have a very justifiable reason) it will never lead to the type of marriage God intended.

 That's because her role is different than his. If they are both in the 
same roles, the female role may get neglected and the male role might get diminished.   

I  was hired for a job and I have been waiting on my start date. 
I received a call the same day I read that paragraph that there was something in my background check I failed to mention. Shoplifting in 1995. Looks like I am not getting this job... oh opps for my self righteous attitude towards my husband that I will be working.  Humbled. 

Sidenote
Confession I did shoplift and paid fines for outfit that I did not get to keep, spent a day in jail. MISTAKE.

DEFENCE

When you love someone and care about what they say and do. You let your defenses down and when you do... ......what they say and do hurt you even more.
So why is it that defense is a bad thing?

I am angry....inside

What is it that makes me so mad? I am not just simply annoyed I am disgusted and ANGRY.
Is it a combination of things from the past that I am projecting.
I have denied this and held this at bay forever....until now. I am MEAN. I feel justified. True to some extent I can justify my anger. I have GOOD reasons to be angry but God says in your anger do not sin.
How I SIN : I say mean things and I mean them. I escape or distract myself from my feelings. I stuff my feelings.
WHY is that sin?
 Because it keeps me from stopping and seeking God's direction.
To stop is to feel the extent of my feelings and I am not sure what or how to deal with them. I don't know how I can express them and I can't place words to them.
To get to the roots feels impossible because the roots have been covered with layers of unattended to anger, pain,bad choices and disappointment.

OKAY my point is I can't be mean and I can't keep sinning... so I have to deal with this anger or pain so I can be who God is trying to lead me to be. GOD get me out of our way.

Just Wondering

If Marriage is God's way of showing me I am just as ugly as the ugliest, it's worked!
There has never been another person who has made me so mad, I say really mean things.
There has never been another person who can make me want to run away. FAST AND FAR
To be so trapped in something that you can't leave , you have to figure out how to get along and get through the days.
I have never felt so much bitterness and resentment. So WHAT if it is someone else's fault..It really doesn't matter CAUSE I AM THE One living with it and THE one who needs TO GET RID OF IT.
Okay so God now that I know I am a bent up ball of ANGER...what do you want me to do. If I CAN"T leave than WHAT do you WANT ME TO DO!
Show me the steps, give me the time, let me have the patience. LET ME CRY! I don't want to be angry even if it seems easier than feeling the hurt I don't think it is. I NEED to feel something other than MAD, Let me be sad... and cry. That is what I really feel the tears just don't come. I stop them ..I am scared.

              Let Me

                                                                   You Got this God.

I have been struggling in my marriage for years. MANY years.

The challenges are insane sometimes and I think I cannot do this anymore.

I plan escapes or ways to alleviate the way I am feeling. Unloved and lonely.

Then I think too much or just enough to stop myself from doing some things I WILL regret..

Around 5 o'clock I am expecting to see him, sometimes dreading it but always expecting it.

If I think about him not coming home, its hard to stand. I think I can live without him but when I slow down I

miss him. I take it for granted that he is here because he makes me so mad and hurts my feelings.

I expect all the good things he does they go unnoticed and the bad things just stand out for days and I dwell

on them.I hold back my love all the time and I get frustrated because I have no way to express my love

because I am to busy thinking I shouldn't .

I HAVE lots of LOVE. I need to give it to someone.I choose him 11 years ago this coming Wednesday. I
decided I need to choose him again. I have to love someone,I can't hold back my love, I need to let go.I am going to enjoy the good and pray God takes me through the bad. Let God hold my heart when Matt isn't capable. AND TRY MY hardest not to hold it against Matt when my needs aren't met the way I think they should be.I am also going to commit to praying for my marriage.Differently than all the other times I say I am going to pray.I will not focus on Matt to change, to be nice or to  overcome his strongholds, I will focus on how I can LOVE him in spite of the things that make me want to run away.I have to give this marriage what any marriage deserves.The other half. I am putting myself back in it.(God hold my heart, I am letting it go) I am living it, I gotta make it good.(God,Please let it work this time.)    

Autism Network

The Spirit of Depression

I had the craziest dream last night. It was real and scary and awesome.
I had decided to pray for my Mom and myself , I prayed that the spirit of depression would leave us and we would be freed from it. I prayed More for my Mom than myself because her struggle has been horrific compared to mine.
Anyway My Mom started falling in the dream and she could not get up nor speak. We would somehow get her up but it was hard.
Then getting into a car on an snowy night my Mom fell on top of me this time and I realized the struggle it was for her to get up because the same force was holding me down also and it was not just the weight of her on top of me. Then she said I see her face. (THE FACE WAS THE EVIL SPIRIT OF DEPRESSION) at that point I realized the force that had a hold of my mother and now me ,was not something I could fight on my own. I begin to TRY to speak against it in the name of JESUS but nothing would come out of my mouth, it was as if I was paralyzed. It happened again and again in the dream we were down and could not get up and could not voice out loud our cries but I continued to try and as I tried I got out grunts against this spirit. IN The name of Jesus leave us alone leave. I kept trying and finally my voice was audible but still a strain to get out,  I said to the spirit in the name of Jesus you lay down and she fought to stay up but could not and was down laying down in the name of Jesus. My husband touched  me and said be quiet. I realized I was saying lay down lay down in the name of Jesus. Out Loud in my sleep. This was one of the realest and most insane dreams yet. Be gone spirit of depression in the name of JESUS for me for my Mom and for the many people who are struggling to get up under the pressure of the spirit of depression!