If you can't be nice to your God given friend ...

you can't have ANY friends.
I said that today. and I meant it.
Scary thing to say. Really
Brothers seem to always be in competition.
They don't want to share but are forced. It's only right.
They are away from each other for a few hours and
they don't stop asking when their brother is coming home.
Then when Brother gets home he gets kicked?
I want my boys to love each other and
stick up for each other.That's what brothers are for.
I catch the love and it is the best parts of my day.

But mostly I grasp to keep them safe from one another.
I cannot help but think it is unacceptable
to hurt your brother or talk down to him.

But daily I remind them that they have to build each up.

The classic if you don't have anything nice to say,
don't say anything at all.

This is important to me, but seems so impossible.

I continue to add pictures to this post. Pictures that capture the moments that bless my heart and remind me that it is possible.          

Kutless-Run

Seeking him he speaks to me.
The same thing he keeps speaking to me.
This time in this song.
Why Do I Run?
Run by Kutless

Why am I not on my knees?

I am in a broken Marriage? I am not sure of the future? My future? or our future?
I don't have all the possessions we are supposed to have to be "legit" members of society.
We all SAY that doesn't matter. WE SAY that. We don't live that.
We work and we strive for "our" stuff. And say we are blessed.
WE ARE Blessed but who gets the credit. A man,the man, ourselves or GOD
DO I pray? am I surrendering to God my everything?
Can I honestly say yes to that question?
I cannot even honestly come up with an answer to that.
I DO PRAY. is it intentional NO. Well sometimes but not usually.
I usually beg God to get me through this day.
"MY" day filled with me. "MY" kids, "MY" HOME, "MY" meals, "MY" education, "MY" anxiety,"MY" problems.
Where is "GODS" day. SUNDAY? not usually just the "CHURCH PART"
HE is with me , always and I KNOW THAT. BUT I don't acknowledge that.
I am waiting till I am FINISHED with "MY" stuff. ( which will be never)
So I am letting the best part of "MY" life wait for ME to stop and enjoy him.
To acknowledge him in any of "MY" accomplishments which in the entire scheme of things were never that important.
I am waiting to stop and realize what is important until I finish all these other "important" things.
I can fool myself all day long that I am living for God but when it comes right down to it
what am I doing for God?

I got a tattoo to remind me of who is first in my life. Who I need to live for. A crown of thorns just below my knuckle on my left hand. ABOVE where my wedding ring SHOULD be. To remind me that Matt or any other human man should not come before God. That I should not seek my fulfillment anywhere other then where I can really get it. GOD. Does this tattoo stop me from trying to fix things and figure things out and let God do his work? NO
I grasp to understand and get the things in my life just the way I THINK they should be.And then I am sad,hurt and confused when my hope in these dreams is crushed. When I don't even know if that is the way God thinks they should be. BECAUSE I am NOT on my knees enough to know what HE wants for me.
What he wants for me , what GOD wants for me,
his will for the life that he gave me which I have CLAIMED to give back to him.
I need to give it back to him every morning when I wake up and every second that I breathe. IF I did, If I really did maybe all that I think should be, would be or maybe (probably) it would be so much better than anything that "I think" should be.

I can't go Home...........

I know they say you can't go home again

You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can do
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me start healin'
out here it's like I'm someone else, I thought that maybe I could find myself.
Miranda Lambert, The house that built me.

Heard this song a couple days ago. Bought up some feelings. Been processing . I always feel like I wanna "GO HOME" except there is no home to go too.

And Even if my mom did not move every few months and I stayed in the same home growing up chances are by now it would be gone. And if My Mom stayed in the same Home from the time I was a baby and was still there, that place could not take the place that God is waiting to fill. And I am still trying to fill?
In my Mom's brokenness there was always a roof over my head. Not always with the safest people but I did have a bedroom and a refrigerator and cloths.

There is one house that comes close to feeling like a home it was the Freeman home in Woodcrest. I miss this home. Whisper’s baby room. Casey and Bo, Peanut and Annie the dogs.The pool fun times in that pool! Turtles, birds, goats, a llama and the best of all Grandma and Papa. Miss Papa. Papa loved my precious girl and she loved him too. So many good memories of him and her .I miss them together.
Mostly Good memories I always feel like going by it. But it wasn't the house it was the people. And things life and circumstances change. I miss this part of my life.

Then I have a strong desire to have a home. To buy a house. A place where my kids can always and forever come home to. Whisper is 18 and I have not created that yet. I still have time for the boys and hopefully Whisper will always feel like I am home anywhere I am. (At least a little bit, when the world gets scary)

Then I think it's not going to be a home that heals this brokenness, I am not going to find myself inside four cozy, nicely decorated walls even if I OWN it.
God can help me do that and he can do that if I am homeless.

But I am still searching to fill me. Heal me and figure me out. Why when I know who can?

Is this a forever feeling until, I really go HOME. Not trying to be morbid really just wondering. And I totally want to be alive!!