My spin on freedom.What I wrote here is gone, I think I actually deleted it when I was createing it. That is why I stopped writing.
The FREEDOM that I was feeling at the time,was due to leaving Matt my husband of 8 years. Not because I wanted to, to get out of the relationship for freedom but because I had to for safety.I took my 4 children to live with relatives, Matt's, Aunt and Uncle,( Thanking GOD for them still everyday for being there for me.) None of this means I don't LOVE that Man but it means he hurt my feelings and others in many ways and I COULD NOT stay any longer.
Being in a home where I did not have to try to predict moods and adjust schedules accordingly.Being with consistently pleasant people who were predictable and helpful, felt FREE. Free to think and express without critisism or anger.It felt genuinely FREE.
Lifted from MY everyday questioning is it okay to stay, will he get better, am I showing him UNCONDITIONAL LOVE?? HOPEING he would notice the damage he was causing his family and stop,wake up and be there for us more than just financially, or am I just being stupid?co-dependent? weak?? a bad mom,To know I had decided I could not stay was FREEING.
Away from the relationship for now 5 months and 3 days it is not the same freedom I felt in the beginning. Freedom can have different meanings to different people and feel different in different situations a dog being let off his leash to run, a prisoner out of jail, a woman out of an abusive relationship but there is only one true meaning of freedom. The true meaning of freedom come from knowing CHRIST, not us human Christians who make mistakes all the time, CHRIST HIMSELF. To know him, to be transparent, to know he is my provision regardless is freedom. I have had glimpses of that freedom, sometimes even long stares.I knew when I left I was following my savior. Once again he was drawing me out of a mentally crippling environment. Though I was scared I knew he was going to care for me.Has has and will.
My freedom in Christ is something I am seeking after again. I have lost sight of it ,binding myself to the world and it's passing treasures for just a little bit of distraction, seeking numbness instead of processing the pain and disappointment. Sometimes the process of feeling is just to overwhelming and distraction for a second ,a minute or a few days can be healthy.When the distraction begins to be a default in which I seek fulfillment instead of seeking after the true source of fulfillment, my relationship with CHRIST ,my true source of freedom can disappear. I need him to be my default.I need his freedom. Proverbs 28:14" Blessed are those who tremble before GOD, but those who harden their hearts will fall into trouble" For me this means I need to feel and I need to take my feelings to my creator, I do not need to harden my heart,pretend I am fine or even take the angry approach which at times is far easier for me than trying to understand what I am feeling.Praying my default becomes Christ once again.
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