Doing some backtracking

Why can't I settle down, I continue to seek things to do all seemingly important or necessary to me at least.Am I seeking affirmation, approval or am I just purely THANKFUL and wanting to offer something back in return or at least make up for all the disruption. I always feel like a disappointment, like I am not enough--Maybe I should ACCEPT that I AM NOT ENOUGH and never will be and without GOD AND THE PEOPLE HE SENDS  in my life I would fail miserably. Yes I have and am still MAKING MISTAKES and i am not enough but GOD IS so i will be okay.

Thank you God for the constructive critisism and challegeing my parenting to another level. Help my sweet babies to get it, help me to get it and consistently follow through without the guilt or confusion I feel when I am disciplining.I usually know that it is right and I know that I have to become a strong leader to grow my children up to not compromise values and manners.They need TO KNOW GOD IS FOR THEM, ON THEIR SIDE and will help them to navigate though life.

I do not have past experience with strong leaders. I THANK GOD for placing me in the presence of WILLING PATIENT TEACHERS  where EXAMPLE and ACCOUNTABILITY is present.Where extra hands allow for consistency instead of exhaustion. Where my childrens well being is everyone's goal and I am not alone just trying to get through the day. where ideas grow into plans eventually or immediately and my boys have an opportunity to learn.

God help the leaders to not grow weary, give them what they need to continue, what I have so desperately needed.Give us all the wisdom and direction in my future plans to know where to go and when it is time. Please allow open communication and block anything that may cause resentment or hurt feelings. Develop our relationships , help us to feel comforatable with one another. Thank you for your provision and ultimate intention.

I wrote this while I was still with Gary and Carolyn.Even though it was a struggle for them and I felt insecure. Wow was I being held. It ended all to soon in my opinion... though probably just in time for them. The insecurity I felt at their house is nothing compared to the insecurity I feel now. There I felt accountable to them and worried I would not please them or I would get on their nerves ACTUALLY THE SWEET BOYS WOULD but worried all the same. Still through all that I was carried, handed tools,loved and accepted. NOW I am only accountable to GOD. How can I say ONLY??? Really HOW. God is with me always ,watching and his standard of parenting surly must be higher than Gary and Carolyn's. Yet I am not what I was becoming when I was with them. Is it that I cannot do this alone?  Is it that the tools I was handed aren't enough to pull through in the midst of the daily rush. Is it that I am numb because I am afraid I am failing.

Yes my kids get to school on time, to bed in time to get a goodnight sleep, I hug them and kiss them and take them to play,they eat mostly good food and drink water. Homework is another story and a struggle which I am focusing on hard to figure a good routine for my boys.I referee their fighting matches and try to eliminate them. I try and do all the "basic stuff society needs me to do" To be considered legit. BUT AM I INSTILLING IN THEM THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING or am I just GETTING THROUGH THE DAY and ACCOMPLISHING WHAT I THINK I HAVE TO leaving me too tired and exhausted to do the thing I needed to do from the beginning of their life, the beginning of their days everyday. I AM NOT DOING MY JOB I am getting through the days. MAYBE a prayer here and there and of course Sunday school every week. TO KNOW GOD IS SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THIS LIFE so why does it take the shelf while math,reading,cleaning,eating,bathing, playing,sleeping etc... are at the forefront of my concernsWHY? I am not sure why maybe because GOD doesn't seem as real as the teachers that want the homework and society that wants the visual of well groomed kids and tidy houses. I KNOW GOD IS REAL, I know this so what is my problem??? I know HE is IMPORTANT , more so than completed homework packets and brushed teeth. Image controlled parenting doesn't create men and women of GOD.So really what am I doing?? TRYING to hard to appease society .
Not saying I am not enjoying the times the playing,cuddleing i'm just quiestioning my motives and direction and wondering why I put so much effort into getting stuff done my kids are hurried more than nutured.

GOD I need you to do this line my motives with yours and not society which can be so confusing. Expecially with all the advice and examples??? show me what my children need slow me down to watch for their needs,the ones that really count. 

This is actually the blog I started in the past

My spin on freedom.What I wrote here is gone, I think I actually deleted it when I was createing it. That is why I stopped writing.

The FREEDOM that I was feeling at the time,was due to leaving Matt my husband of 8 years. Not because I wanted to, to get out of the relationship for freedom but because I had to for safety.I took my 4 children to live with relatives, Matt's, Aunt and Uncle,( Thanking GOD for them still everyday for being there for me.) None of this means I don't LOVE that Man but it means he hurt my feelings and others in many ways and I COULD NOT stay any longer.

 Being in a home where I did not have to try to predict moods and adjust schedules accordingly.Being with consistently pleasant people who were predictable and helpful, felt FREE. Free to think and express without critisism or anger.It felt genuinely FREE.

Lifted from MY everyday questioning is it okay to stay, will he get better, am I showing him UNCONDITIONAL LOVE?? HOPEING he would notice the damage he was causing his family and stop,wake up and be there for us more than just financially, or am I just being stupid?co-dependent? weak?? a bad mom,To know I had decided I could not stay was FREEING.

Away from the relationship for now 5 months and 3 days it is not the same freedom I felt in the beginning. Freedom can have different meanings to different people and feel different in different situations a dog being let off his leash to run, a prisoner out of jail, a woman out of an abusive relationship but there is only one true meaning of freedom. The true meaning of freedom come from knowing CHRIST, not us human Christians who make mistakes all the time, CHRIST HIMSELF. To know him, to be transparent, to know he is my provision regardless is freedom. I have had glimpses of that freedom, sometimes even long stares.I knew when I left I was following my savior. Once again he was drawing me out of a mentally crippling environment. Though I was scared I knew he was going to care for me.Has has and will.

My freedom in Christ is something I am seeking after again. I have lost sight of it ,binding myself to the world and it's passing treasures for just a little bit of distraction, seeking numbness instead of processing the pain and disappointment. Sometimes the process of feeling is just to overwhelming and distraction for a second ,a minute or a few days can be healthy.When the distraction begins to be a default in which I seek fulfillment instead of seeking after the true source of fulfillment, my relationship with CHRIST ,my true source of freedom can disappear. I need him to be my default.I need his freedom.   Proverbs 28:14" Blessed are those who tremble before GOD, but those who harden their hearts will fall into trouble" For me this means I need to feel and I need to take my feelings to my creator, I do not need to harden my heart,pretend I am fine or even take the angry approach which at times is far easier for me than trying to understand what I am feeling.Praying my default becomes Christ once again.

Can I blog??

I always want to blog,actually just express my thoughts. I started one a while back but never finished and now I forget where it is.I am going to try again expecially now that I can use pictures. That is me. I am real/emotional/spirtual and thoughtful. Thoughtful in more ways than one. Which is why I want to blog to get these thoughts out .