Falling

                                               Here  go I again. It has been a long time.

                                     To let myself love even though I fear losing it, losing him   

                  It may be easier to assume he is a bad guy and not love cause then I can't lose.

            But you know what they say better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

                                         

                                     I may feel different next week but for today I love this man.

                                     he has always been here even when he wasn't really here.

                                     And now that he is really here it feels good! 

What do you expect?

I can't find my camera. It's Christmas Eve. I Broke One of Whisper presents..the one that would pull all the others together into a great themed package.Okay breathing.......
I Get all the boys gifts wrapped and out stockings stuffed and all the pretending to be asleep boys start getting up. WIDE AWAKE they take a bath. I stuff all the gifts into a bag and hide the stockings. Uh I already ate the cookies..confessed..told them I would put out more before I went to bed.

Playing this Santa game isn't easy, Tristan said before he went to bed there is alot of things in my head that tell me Santa isn't really real. I am not sure Santa is going to last as a tradition in our house for many more years.He is not why Christmas exists and I try so much harder to make him real than I try making Jesus a bigger part of his own birthday.hmmmm I love the whole Santa thing it's fun or at least it was a long time ago when I thought he was real.I think it may be easier to get girls to believe in fantasy because we want so much for magic , fairytales and perfection. My fairytale seems more and more like reality and truth seems so much easier than trying to pretend.
So I will leave behind perfection, scrambling to make Santa real and pray I celebrate Christmas peacefully because Jesus came to give me peace. Happy Birthday Jesus.

So much and yet so little....

Seems as if many things have happened. Spinning around doing this and that. Losing Loved ones, watching loved ones deteriorate, birthdays, arguments, classes, so many classes, counseling, more counseling,small groups, excitement, epiphany's, lessons learned , lessons forgotten, friends made, ideas lost, truth reveled.

                                                         It goes on and on yet somehow
                                                                 I feel like I am going
                                                                        nowhere  
                                                                       like Alice
                                                in Wonderland at the Mad Hatter's Tea Party.