God is so wonderful about showing me where I am.
Sometimes it seems as though my tainted being is overlapping with things to fix.
As I come up for breath I glimpse more that I have to address.
Here in this place of a wounded marriage, I am brought to see that I have
allowed bitterness a comforatable home.
Proverbs 18:19 "A brother offended is harder to win than a stong city,
and contentions are like the bars of a castle"
The walls around the city of me are layered,
I think I have got through one and there is another. The walls I built, I meant for protection now torment me.
I am suspicious,angry and resentful. I seek protection at the expense of my relationship with Matt.
I can justify it a million times over and those who know of our troubles understand.
But the truth is I am trapped, whether Matt has truely changed or not will not be relevant to me in my condition.He can try and lure me out of the cage with proving himself. One brick at a time he tries to get past the wall I built for him. But he can take a brick and I can find another to replace it.
I look at Paul's second letter to the Church of Corinith. Chapter 2 verse 5-9
If anyone has caused you grief, he has not so much grieved me,as he has grieved all of you to some extent. Not to put it too serverly. The punishment infflicted on him by the majority is sufficient. Now instead you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you therefore to reaffirm your love for him.
I want to give this to him I want to comfort,reaffirm my love and FORGIVE him. I am trying.......
Agape love, Gods love is not based on performance, it loves regardless of the responce.
Agape love is far from the selfish love I am capable of at this point. I am on guard ready to be dissappointed and hurt. I am waiting for the ball to drop.Where I am at allows little room for mistakes and possibly assumes mistakes that aren't even there. I say possibly because of my untrust, I want to trust and believe in Matt but the truth is I do not. I consciencly made a choice to believe him and I am walking that walk but my guarded heart is not following me.
I find it hard to cry, I am numb. My love for Matt is cold, I am still seeking to protect myself.
I have been so offended by Matt that I am resisting to give my whole heart. Maybe a piece here and there and only if I can take it back whenever I get scared. I want to be able to reaffirm my love for him, to make him confident of my commitment to him. Need Prayer
I know this is a process and I know it will take time I am just so thankful that God shows me where I am allowing myself to be trapped so that I can consciencly work toward his freedom for me and God willing with patience on both sides, my marriage will be what God desires for us.Galations 6:9 And let us not grow weary while doing good for in due season we will reap if we do not lose heart."
