All those reasons annoying and energy consuming....really it was hard enough to get there in the first place. It was a tough gut wrenching decision I had made, It really didn't need to be any more complicated. But it was and I never filed for DIVORCE.
Matt And I Married June 16th 2001 with 1 child, (MINE) Whisper and 1 on the way Tristan. We did not do much planning, we did not talk about our goals for our family and how we were going to raise them. GOD was not the center of our lives he was a possibility. A possibility that was mostly overlooked in the midst of a new marriage,blended family and a new baby.
Our lives changed drastically.
We did not handle the changes self ~less~ ly as we should. We were selfish and defensive. Whisper was MY child and I was offended anytime there was question of her being less than MY perfect angel. Tristan was NEEDY to say the least he had RSV and our environment had to be spotless and sanitary. Of course I took care of my children's needs and didn't really give a second thought to the needs of a new husband.He was helpful as much as I'd let him but I did not think he was very good at it so I choose to do most of the baby things.
Matt had other things to do, he worked, hung out in the garage, made friends with the neighbors who has similar hobbies. He sunk deeper into his already consuming addiction to pot. Which caused me to lose much respect for him. As you can only imagine...our marriage was a disaster. Well in that disaster we created 2 more precious children, Bodie and Carter. We now have 4 children , a tremendous responsibility. Of course their physical needs are meet and I love and spend time with all of them. Matt loves and spends time with them too. WE did NOT really spend time with each other. WE did NOT worry about each others needs. I mean we are adults we should be able to deal with our own needs. Things got worse, hurtful things said and done. I did not like him (though I did LOVE him). I would stay in bed till he left for work so I did not have to talk to him. ~I avoided him and tried to make him happy all at the same time.~ He was not happy, neither was I.
Our madness ended 3 months and 18 days after Matt's little brother Mark went to be with Jesus. I tried to be supportive, to love him through his pain. He did not want to be loved, he wanted to die. All his anger surfaced and made it impossible to continue in our already broken relationship.This was a scary time for us. All of us. Everything changed.
And then God changed everything. And everything is still changing and God is a part of MY life every moment he provides. God is a part of Matt's life on a different level than he grew up with. He is seeking his own spirituality. His own relationship with Jesus. He is willing, he is trying. He is persistant in fighting for his family to be reconciled. He is not consumed by misery. He laughs and he cries. He doesn't yell or threaten now he talks about his pain.God has been working in our lives. There is much work to be done we are NOT out of the woods but I am praying we are on a path created by GOD that will get us out of there.
